Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Watch the grab…

Kabir kadre|1 month, 21 days ago

Up early –-ish with Caroline today. I stirred just five minutes before I heard the door lock turning upon her entry. The night was restless, or restful, I can’t be sure if I was sleeping, dreaming of waking, great with what humanity all reviewed the rate. This hallway is waking dreaming of sleeping; I do know that I enjoyed a pleasant meditation for an hour before resting, a meditation which extended so for another hour after I lay back to rest.

From that moment forward, the night was some mixed quality of awareness and slumber.

Caroline came through the bedroom door, her sweet heart on her sleeve, eyes damp from some tender and traumatic family dynamics moving through her system. I asked her what was happening and she replied that she would rather not speak, as doing so seemed to give it energy and create in her more suffering.

I appreciated the wisdom of her longing and we moved on into a lovely journey of friendship in the intimate space of my morning body care and rising. We explored the pros and cons of goat farming versus rabbit farming, the awareness and experience each of us holds around the culture and community of polyamory in the San Diego region, and back around to the value and importance of bringing our meditation/sadhana practice to those areas of our lives the just somehow seem to reach inside of us and grab, dragging us into some compulsive engagement whether with trauma or bliss.

By now we were up and out of bed, laughing about the little trauma and gravel of closet disorganization and mourning, gently, the distance her son might feel from his familial relations as a result of the toxic karma of generations of heartbreak and confusion. Ani DiFranco played us out of the bedroom and down the hall with her sage advice to just “drive out of range” of those situations until we find our own deep strength and integrity to do better.

We settled in the kitchen, still a few minutes before nine while the song echoed in the quiet of the morning. We opened the kitchen door to the garage on the garage door to the morning air and water fall sounds, and Caroline started cutting dried sage into a mason jar for her morning medicinal tea.

My heart glowed – many years ago I purchased “kitchen scissors” knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that there are good reasons to separate food from unrelated mundane processes. Seeing Caroline using these in such a sacred way move my heart to smile, realizing a joy won from many years spent chasing people with craft projects away from those “special” scissors. More grab, but just a little less this time. “Increments,” I used to like to say.

Caroline did a stunning job the other day, first clearing out the toolshed in the garage, organizing and making a beautiful space there probably for the first time in the 13 years we’ve occupied this house, and then moving on to the side yard where the rough but reasonably clear space bent underneath her hands, revealing a crystalline and almost ritual readiness to receive a garden.

This morning I showed her the soil preparation materials I had bought almost exactly one year ago to the day, uncertain of their application, but convinced they were an important contribution to the earth here on this little plot. Large bags of soil, Cassandra brought from our little local nursery wait ready on the garage floor free from grab, but filled with compassion for their coming work commingling light and water and seed into fresh scents and nutritious delight…

Yesterday was a grab bag of activity nothing of any substantive measure moved forward, but many small fields of constructive purpose advanced by increments. By the end of the day, the light outdoors lingered late as we creep our way into the summer months, I fussed and fretted just beneath the surface, like my eight-year-old self confused and frustrated by bedtime while light was still high in the sky.

Fortunately the kindness of the evening routine and Courtney’s loving massage quelled that spirit of discontent, leaving the peaceful and ready to rest, not too late in the night, even, I found, with a little fresh energy to finish the day in meditation, practicing that process of letting go childish anxieties drawn from the evolutionary and magical need to grab on to the shadows of life.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Caroline asked as I started to make my way towards the desk and this morning prayer of writing.

“I don’t know yet…” I said. Caroline grinned…

“I’ve got an idea…” Her eyes twinkled.

“Perfect!” I delighted in reply.

The sounds and smells coming from the stove and the dance of her preparations starts to draw my attention as these words approach completion. It’s sunny and warm today, the morning calls, already the hummingbird has come to my window to say hello and inspect the new prayer flags hung caringly by Courtney in the evening light.

Breakfast will undoubtedly be taken in the garden. 🙂 Watch the grab…


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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…