Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

If vulnerability is power, we are about to go superhuman!

Kabir kadre|2 years, 3 months ago

Tonight I’ll take the last antibiotic in this run. The symptoms for which I began this round have subsided and with luck, stopping the drug will not return the conditions. My hope is that the current general physical malaise and emotional depression are tied to the antibiotic (they usually are.) All things being equal that might mean a return to some general sanity, at least personally, and of course relative to baseline, 😉 by midweek.

I had better sleep last night, and still managed to sleep in. Taking the cue from yesterday I hurried outside again on rising to catch a few more precious rays before storms return to local skies.

Today I found myself in “Correspondence” mode in an uncommon volume. 3 1/2 hours on the phone, 17 outgoing email messages, and 18 open text threads, of these email might be normal, but everything else is 10 times the average. This of course to say nothing of the process of acclimating to Facebook where in short order this morning I found myself in three or four concurrent conversations, each of which could easily have taken 30 minutes or more.

If I’m going to remain on the platform I’m going to have to take very seriously the inquiry around how to show up honestly, sincerely, and valuably in that collective space.

So far I’m liking the live video aspect – I’ll have to see if it’s appreciated in the community, or if it’s just a prototype for something else to grow later.

Anyway, all of this to say that the theme of the day is correspondence, perhaps that is just and as it should be given my need to now get the word out on the Help Hope Live crowdfunding campaign. This being day five of antibiotics however doesn’t seem to be helping my sense of centeredness in the process…

Or maybe it has something to do with the insane scale of this global pandemic.

In correspondence today, I got the following quotes from a couple of independent sources – each individuals whose capacity to appraise systems level concerns, and to approach the world, relationships, and concepts with a high degree of reserve and rationality. What they had to say in these lines speaks volumes to me.

“societal structures are imploding.”

“This thing is killing the capitalist system at its roots, not to say anything about the human toll.”

Energetically, there is an enormous shift afoot. Of course this may be obvious in simple practical terms, though I’m quite confident that very few, if any of us are quite able to grasp the massive unsettling that is underway across an unprecedented scope of our human experience.

Or maybe it’s just the antibiotics…

On Wednesday of this week, I’ll run payroll – it’s the last one I’m confident I can run unless something else changes. Maybe that has something to do with the unsettled feeling.

I was fairly disoriented on my own after tumbling down the rabbit hole of social services, hospitalizations, centering the fractured and uncertain community of care, and searching for options. Even on the day the pandemic was declared, I was still not yet able to appreciate the level of impact I would be feeling today.

I’ve given each of the care team a box of medical gloves to keep in their car in order to prevent transmission of the virus from the gas pumps.

We are all wearing masks at various times of our interaction, washing hands, taking extra immune support supplements, cleaning every surface multiple times daily, taking our temperatures over and over again… Which reminds me, my first temperature reading of the day was 99.8° followed shortly thereafter by 100.2 which was a lovely little opportunity to appreciate “what could be…”

30 minutes later I was down to 98.6, but not without noticing the ride…

I found myself this afternoon, listening to a “state of affairs” on the pandemic and starting to contemplate whether or not I have made present in some form whatever it is I might have to offer the world. With already overtaxed ICU facilities, and people dying for lack of care, I found myself starting to measure the worth of my taking up a bed were I to contract The Virus.

See what I mean about the depression of the antibiotics?

Honestly, the day runs long in these bones. Thanks to the loving hands of Caroline, the knot in my shoulder has relaxed some. I have just one pill left to take tonight before waking tomorrow beginning the post antibiotic reassembly. I’m scattered and dizzy from the unfamiliar experience of asking for help. And feeling queasy from the vulnerability if help doesn’t arrive.

As I suggested however in the Facebook live today – fear is reactive, vulnerability opens the door to reciprocity, and in that, is power.

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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…