Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Transparency

Kabir Kadre|5 months, 2 days ago

Leaving the weekly Wednesday meditation tonight I find myself deeply in touch with the state of gratitude and love for the countless practitioners of lovingkindness throughout the eons and boundless space whose prayers have echoed into the moment of my heart realizing that their focus has been, like mine, through various states of perfection and refinement, that all beings, like me, might be well and happy, and know peace and compassion for all.

There is a tingling sensation of spasticity moving through my body, and has been this evening. An intense dysreflexia drove me earlier in the day to eat some Tylenol and lay down. I noticed, with some dismay the absence of discomfort that followed was also characterized by an absence of feeling, the numbing effect the drug.

A small price I suppose as I was able to rise again, refreshed, and return my focus on the activities of the day. Late afternoon saw a return of some discomfort, but fortunately that seems to have passed without incident, and perhaps more importantly, without drugs.

My ankle, still healing, but wedged perhaps unceremoniously into a soft boot this morning may have been the source of discomfort. I removed the boot when I lay down and never returned to it. Of course the pharmaceuticals masked whether that was the source of discomfort. Another suspect was the stoma, still tender from yesterday’s catheter change, and of course there’s always the lingering wonder surrounding the nerve innervations of the lower back. Nonetheless I’m happy, and probably grateful too to find my current state of comfort such as it is.

My morning chat with the trust attorney left me with a much enriched appreciation of the path forward, at least in terms of financial structures and organization. I was able to cancel the premature appointment I had made with the Social Security Administration for next Monday, as well as that with Eugenia and our escrow agent to be as a result.

That’ll paved the way for some resting, and an afternoon spent focused on developing the crisp supports (read accounting and spreadsheets) for those financial structures going forward.

I woke this morning, a couple of times to varying degrees of energetic self and sense of comfort in the room, finally resolving to a freshness and warmth just a little after 6 AM that would afford me the window for meditation and morning contemplation in preparation for the day.

Stephanie arrived, having alluded some days before to developments in her life that would have her focusing more on time and availability here.

Last evening I watched an episode of a popular television program that introduced me to a disastrous event in the history of the UK, and really in the world for that matter. The incident occurred over a span of days from December 5 through the 9th and by some estimates killed as many as 12,000 people.

December 7 is of course also the anniversary of the faithful Pearl Harbor event in the United States. Time and history can be seen, it would seem, from some perspectives to echo. Difficulty and disruption, or perhaps even good fortune appears to move “epigenetically” through the cosmos.

Writing, and particularly publishing publicly daily, a journal of actual and unfolding events often puts me in the position of questioning and contemplating where are the boundaries and thresholds of sharing when it comes to my own first hand experience of the lives of others.

I’ve run into trouble before when my own published perceptions ran headlong into the perspectives and sensitivities of others. This question of transparency arises almost daily.

My own proclivity tends to run towards crystalline openness, in alignment with my sense of value that the human experience is a rich source, both painful, mundane, and delightful, of wisdom that we are all more wealthy together to share.

Of course there is then also the point of strategic clarity and obscurity. For example in these words and pages of late I have been conscientious not to reveal too much of my movements, attentions, and intentions surrounding the recent kerfuffle with housing discrimination in case parties on the other side of that engagement might be looking for some edge to exploit in the matter.

Nova of late has been generously sharing with me some of her own deep personal trials and tribulations, these interactions have been a material part of my experience and time, yet I have been walking a line to expose that experience, while also honoring the integrity of her sovereignty and life.

Likewise this morning, Stephanie came to me raw from an experience currently unfolding in contact with her that leaves her tender and open to new growth in herself, at once beautiful and tragic in its manifestation. I suppose it is enough to share that. The first hour or so of my day was spent in communion with her on the fragile matters of being human and facing these impactful moments that both threaten to undo, or perhaps reveal us to ourselves.

Later in the afternoon the young woman, Savannah joined us to explore whether she will find us, and we her, a fit for our little care cohort here in the arms of MettaCare. I, unsurprisingly, stumbled quickly into my proclivity to wax long about subjects of consciousness, meditation, and compassion, I hope not too overwhelmingly for our young and bright-eyed guest.

Vanessa’s giggling eyes, seeming to appreciate me in my element, left me with some reassurance, and reminder that however quirky I might find this self on occasion, there is after all some place for each of us in the communities of this world. 🙂

Tomorrow is the birthday of a great dancer, storyteller, and distant friend. I remember her now, and will do so again in the morning.


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