Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Time to shift gears

Kabir Kadre|1 month, 18 days ago

Late journaling once again, long days it seems, at least on the inside.

Patience and LaBradford and I just finished our first impromptu triad meeting to address tension in the space. A tumbling emergent the origin of whose threads stretch back through time immemorial.

Today it expressed as my feeling a bit unsupported and a little taken for granted, urine spilled on my shoe and a trigger for one of my partners here feeling the threats of disharmony dating back many years.

Each of the three of us held a small piece of this lotus of disharmony, fortunately for all of us Patience called it out and we could come together and for an hour as one does in a home where all the residents are committed to something higher to work and weave together nutrients buried deep in that mud to give birth to the blossom floating peacefully in the waters of well-being.

As I write, spasticity is returning to my body, possibly something to do with the heat as the house has just been opened up again – nearly 8 PM, 90°.

Earlier today I was working at my desk. Augusto had called in this morning near 4 AM, illness – not pandemic – running through his body. The lady P had happened in on me around 7:30 AM and, her morning already not going as planned, happily jumped in to help me rise.

Earlier was later, and when it was earlier today, and I was working at my desk, I was formally untended, Patience taking a phone call, lunch, and a sauna on the porch at 102°, and LB in his room watching a series of educational videos on the brain. I would link them here, but I’m working against the clock right now.

The spasticity I mentioned is here with me now, we closed the house again and turned on the AC, hopefully that will help. As it stands I am both writing this missive and clutching the wheels of my chair, feeling in my body as though I am dangerously unstable and about to fall.

Earlier today, when I was working at my desk, the spasticity overcame me unlike almost ever before. First a sudden onset of tension left me grasping for my wheels for support – this is not unfamiliar. Next however, the full sense of contraction throughout my body… No visible movement, but to me it felt as though every muscle was pushing or pulling against something at once.

I clutched the wheels, unable to set the brakes for fear of losing my balance. I called out to LB, but he didn’t hear me beyond his headphones. Even the calling out felt destabilizing and as I tried a second time and a third my voice grew more and more timid. By now I was feeling of the slightest movement, indeed the slightest breath would cause me to collapse forcefully forward onto the desk.

It was all I could manage to almost whisper to my phone – thank Jobs for voice dial – “hey Siri, call LaBradford.” Just the words felt destabilizing.

I want to convey the sensation, but it’s hard to imagine it could be communicated. I have no recollection of any experience from my able body to compare… I imagine maybe a strong earthquake, like something in the movie, or on Star Trek when William Shatner and the gang would all have to run stumbling back and forth across the bridge… Something like that, a major movement of the body brought on by outside forces, but without any visible signs of reaction or cause.

Just the absolutely certain feeling of dramatic and uncontrolled motion – not observed, but felt as though it was as good as done.

After stabilizing me for about five minutes, just the security of putting his hands on my shoulders, we decide that I had better lay down and began to wheel me through the house. As soon as I saw the couch, that was it – “put me there!” I exclaimed.

Now at least I had the sensations of being throttled about, but this time paired with the physical certainty that there was nowhere to fall.

In any case, that feeling is back now and I really am just balancing precariously to finish these words. I’m going to go ahead and send and publish as I remain committed to that discipline, but otherwise, it’s time to shift gears.


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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…