Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Three hours to the wind…

Kabir kadre|2 years, 3 months ago

Blue skies and a breeze in the trees that looks like winter battling spring. The air is crisp and the sound of the wind chimes penetrates the closed windows reverberating gently through the cozy warmth of the house.

The Dalai Lama chants in the background. The sun still high in the sky on this early April evening, but I’m moving steadily towards night in my mind.

Rain is on the forecast, still a few days out. Good news for desert climates like this.

I tried this morning to doze after the home health nurse came around to change my catheter just after 8 AM. I struck up my usual conversation – usual recently anyway – inviting us to prepare mentally and emotionally for the likely onslaught of deaths attributed to the pandemic.

It still seems unreal to me – like fairytale thinking – to think that things are about to get so predictably tragic. It feels almost wrong to imagine those things – 1 to 200,000 deaths in the next few months.

Doctors and other healthcare professionals, already used to often intense working conditions, surfacing like the living dead – hearts broken, eyes dazed. When the dust settles, direct virus deaths will be only a portion of the extensive trauma evident in our collective wound.

I was unsuccessful to doze very deeply this morning. I could feel my nervous system let go a little, but it never went quite into full resting mode. Not since about 2 AM this morning. Three short hours after I retired into sleep.

This is now three days in a row, I think three days, with very limited rest. Tonight I’ll drink nighttime tea with valerian. It can make it hard to wake up, but hard or not waking up will be a blessing if it means I have slept.

I got a 90 day reprieve on my car payments today. Following yesterday’s reprieve on mortgage, I’m starting to feel – as I think I may have said – a little room to stretch and really dig into the creative side. Definitely going to need more rest for that. Or more coffee. Pretty sure I prefer the former. I do love my Joe though.…

I was worried when I rose, late as it was, that I might lack the coherence of mind to get anything useful done today. Indeed, the late morning start managed just a few simple things none of which requiring much brainpower…

Our new friend, through Caroline, finished her morning meditation and Ayurvedic coursework and called to discuss joining our little cohort of care. We sparked our communication yesterday after the woman who’s been pending that role for a few weeks decided to step down.

On the phone we asked one another about our approach to contagion prevention. I found myself asking, “tell me about your boyfriend’s roommate…” Such strange questions probing into the private lives of new connections, suddenly so relevant and apropos. Nonetheless our conversation was light, energized, and friendly.

An hour later she was coming through the front door. An hour later we were filling out the schedule and our little field of care for the first time this year has reformed the sacred circle of 7, including David and myself, that will move forward into our next iteration…

The connection was rich and powerful. In our hour together, we cried, laughed, discussed ancient teachings, and simple matters of practicality. We spoke of death, and the sacred signs that appear in certain moments of our lives. Those signs were present today.

The chanting in the background reflects the liminal quality of my brain right now – soft and fluid, filled with quiet.

Another old friend connected today through the channels of social media. On the other side of the world, but more connections being to be reborn.

The words run thin, or perhaps it’s just the language function winding down.

More to come…

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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…