The sky darkens…
The sun is a fire swirling through clouds on the horizon, just inches from setting. My head and body swimming with spasticity, tension, and exhilaration from a full day of creative commitment and energetic movements throughout.
Moments ago I sent a just completed draft of a “self-identity” reflection exercise I picked out of a podcast a year ago or more. Getting through it took me three days amidst other calls for my attention, but each session felt as fresh and vitalizing of the one before.
Broken on the rocks of how to carry forward this crippled body into the world of forlorn samsara, I struggle each day now to surrender more deeply into the question of how to give my deepest gifts in whatever time it is I may have to offer them.
This written effort was a process seeking to bring me closer to those resonant souls with whom’s effort I might synergize in a way to nourish the giving of those gifts. I didn’t expect the piece I found pouring out of me and into the exercise, and look forward to publishing it as an opening piece to my upcoming reintroduction of the KabirKadre.com web presence, moving now into its fourth or fifth incarnation.
One of the very first orders of business of the day turned out to be catching an old friend to help me wrangle the entangled process that has been the management of my webspace for the past few years. It was almost heartbreaking, the sense of relief I felt as he lovingly (and quite professionally) guided me through a process of understanding what appears to be a reasonably short path between my current state of confusion on the matter and actually having a more functional set of tools in that space.
That alone might’ve left me feeling profoundly accomplished today.
I woke shortly after 3:30 AM from a dream of anxiety and concern for the edgy nature of my current financial standing. On a road trip with a best friend from my teenage days, from someplace far out in the wilderness, seeking to go back to a very long ago home, we had just pulled out of a very sketchy truck stop off the highway, and found ourselves in the dark, headed against traffic in the wrong lane and swerving into the right lane causing a kerfuffle with another driver.
Yesterday’s meditation with Dan surrounding positive and negative mind states came right in handy as I walk in the most disconcerted and disoriented sense of discomfort that I have in a while. I lay still for about a half-hour just working my stomach out of a knot and my nervous system back to a state of calm.
I had not had enough rest, but as I was not going back to sleep I sat up grateful for the opportunity to spend more time engaged with my formal practice of the Pointing Out Way. After practicing for about 90 minutes I returned to the effort of resting, without much luck until the alarm sounded pulling me from a dense lethargy to make my way through the morning household meditation.
Stephanie texted that she was having a difficult morning with her stomach and would be late, but coming. Her delay was a useful window for me to rest just a little longer, though I would need to hurry the rising process later to make our appointment with Andrew coming to help prototype a new backrest on my wheelchair intended to address the recent discomforts due to the L5 disc being out of place.
We made it up just a few minutes late for Andrew, no less gracious in his service as we manage the process of minor adjustments and securing fit for the new back. Not surprisingly we chatted along the lines of our current national political situation and I was able to share with another willing citizen the wise words that John had offered the other day.
Settled in my new rolling accommodation and conversations with Andrew and then with Dean, I turned my attention to the Self Inquiry process for a short window before my next meeting, another old friend who has stepped forward enthusiastically offering to support the development of my updated professional materials, CV, and channels through which I may find a firmer footing for generative engagement in the world.
Beginning with her surprising me by playing the sweet sounds of one of my favorite instruments which she just happened to have on hand, that conversation just continued to trickle through a loving and creative magic that left me soaked with fresh wealth of energy and enthusiasm I had not had when we started.
After that was lunch, quick clerical and organization, and then back into the Self Identity review.
I broke that process just before 4 PM to meet with some students from UCSD who are working on an AI chat bot to help people build and manage their Medical Directives. A friend of mine, one of their advisors had asked if I would allow them to interview me to gather data for their project.
That was a nice way to spend 30 minutes with two delightfully smart and sincere young women.
And then back to the Self Identity reflection, building the day to a crescendo of energy.
I left that, turned to these pages and wrote for 45 minutes. Intermission was a call from David, just catching up and reflecting on this wild day before the new moon from his point of view. We have such a sublime connection, the mirror images in our shared poetry are just frosting on such a sweet cake of friendship.
And now the day begins to close… Dinner is next, a bit of a movie, and bed.
And happy birthday to Elisa tomorrow, we are so glad you could join us here on the planet today. 🙂
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…