The juxtaposition of seas
Eyes bleary, head spinning, limping into the, already seemingly late evening. Darkness has fallen thoroughly beyond the panes of glass, now just reflecting the lights and scenes of the indoors, contrasting against the shadows of night beyond.
Another VERY long day. I have done the accounting and have the rest of the year to muster something new or surrender deeply to the forces of entropy and be reborn from underneath the earth itself.
Even so, the edges are much closer than that and I have just a week to muster new care into the fold. With perhaps a few days of grace, the road gets very rocky indeed failing that not slight endeavor.
I stirred from a dream last night, somewhere between 1:30 AM and 3:30 AM…
I was as if a polar bear drifting into a dark but somehow luminous night on a small and unstable sheet of ice in a turbulent and black ocean. Knowing I could capsize at any time, but determined to look out into the darkness and the journey, I sensed into awareness, seeking revelation…
As I witnessed the drifting momentum, I began to recognize some force beneath the water driving the more quickly and more determinedly in a direction. I thought it was a whale but could not see beneath the surface, this enormous beingness moving my tiny white raft towards the shore.
Towards the shore and the beach, but it was not… I could see, it was in fact the threshold of another ocean towards which I was flowing with a certain intensity and relentless momentum.
I rose and meditated, grateful for the practice and the wakefulness to bring to it.
By daytime I was tired again. Stephanie and Patience and I gathered for morning sit, and the day began nonetheless. Rising and wound care, healing coming along well. Nurse Denise arrived for dual duty this morning, both to provide continuity of care for wound healing during this time of turmoil and transition, and the regular changing of the catheter.
Already the day was at pace.
Up and about, much to organize and clarify – what are my options, what are my resources? An unfortunate discovery, the team at Tesla had repeatedly misinformed me that the unlimited lifetime supercharging connected to the vehicle would be transferable on sale, not a small value to the asset. A fact I had checked with them verbally on multiple occasions. Sadly, the print which I had failed to read, tells a different story.
Charles confirmed, recourse would be painful and unlikely. Buyer beware, the old story…
Finances was next, not great, but again better than expected, and perhaps good enough…
Then a call to the city to determine what options should I find myself stranded without care. Apparently I can always call an ambulance and be taken to the hospital where I would stay until things were sorted out. Sounds extreme, but probably not bad though a bit silly in form.
Option two has something to do with Adult Protective Services and option three, county and state services for in-home support and possibly assisted living facility placement.
I was reminded that we have considered cultivating a MettaCare assisted living facility right here in this home, an option that is by no means off the table, and may even provide an interesting avenue to bring multiple streams of need and opportunity together. Tight margins, but again possibly doable.
Throughout the day I managed to field some calls and connect with David and Charles and Kari, the latter to help with preparing the resume for applications.
Vanessa arrived in the late afternoon and we had a pleasant check-in before turning her attentions to a grocery shop so the cupboards don’t go bare while I’m distracted in other directions. As she prepared to depart I jumped on my evening’s agenda of phone calls, first with my friend Eric to review both the immediate tense situation of my well-being, as well as the more expansive aspirational question of present global opportunities…
As it turns out, the job I was looking into as Assistant to the Dean’s office of public health is the very department that Eric works in and he cordially offered to put in good words with the Dean who is a close personal friend of his. Moments before turning to this page I completed the application for that position and submitted, thanks again to Kari for putting together the necessary resume for the job.
I was excited by our conversation to see the possibility that he and I could work together in that context to nurture the culture of the organization towards a more wellness oriented wisdom! We shall see what comes about.
At the same time, I could see the context as possibly an exciting opportunity should I find favorable reply for my application to The Ready as well…
Of course the conversation ranged the cosmos, from acute pain and sadness to ancient history and far future possibilities. We could easily have gone for hours, but I had a hard stop after one to meet with Vanessa’s husband Dan who had lovingly reached out yesterday, compassionate for my situation, but also enthusiastic to draw me into his around how we might confront the growing pains of the explosive cannabis industry that he has been swimming in for the past five years.
Without a minute between the two dialogues, we were quickly tumbling back into the evolutionary implications of these sector wide tensions and opportunities.
It was exciting to find new friendship, in this little community of ours, and to be able to joyfully connect in places of difficulty and longing.
I came from the calls overwhelmed and exhausted. Perplexed but not surprised by the juxtaposition of such a sense of possibility to be engaged creatively and professionally with interesting, caring, and engaged individuals at the levels of systems change, while at the same time facing such personal existential fragility.
It certainly is from one dark sea, to another unknown that I find myself thrust in these moments. I only hope that I should hold my heart open, that regardless of where this fragile sheet of ice upon which I rest takes me driven in these boiling seas, be it the fragile cold of broken institutional care, or the heights of aspirational engagement with whole sectors of initiative, or anywhere in between, that it might be the same pure love and intention that find its way through my being and into the light of day.
I feel very alone, at the same time, surrounded and connected in loving care with a wide and incredible community. I am small and fragile, and at once, an unstoppable prayer that lives before, through, and beyond me.
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…