Poetry is at hand in the moment
I come to this page, echoes of word and feelings
Linger in mind, reflecting
The sensation of tingle and squeeze and wonder
In this body of mine
In this body of ours.
I wrote yesterday, but didn’t publish. Writing from bed on a tiny screen seems not conducive to long reflection on the page. Furthermore the hurdle of publication is magnified there for now.
LB continues to be more distant, less communication. I had held room for his return to the last moment, leaving me with “care times” uncovered starting on Friday last.
As a result my company yesterday was limited to skilled support by the lovely Vanessa in the morning, and the generous spirit of Elisa to ensure my hydration nourishment through the day and into the evening. This dynamic leaves me in bed for the day.
We managed to vote a long ballot among moments of conversation and YouTube video. Eliana stopped by in the afternoon to care for the yard and come in for a while to re-nourish the space of communion among friends.
I think my body needed the rest. I was lights out by 9 PM and slept soundly through the night last evening, more deeply than I have in recent memory. I did so without the aid of the melatonin and kava kava leading me to experiment again this evening with leaving out the herbs and molecular cocktail.
Eliana and Elisa were both very encouraging yesterday that I might supplement my entrepreneurial efforts with the seeking of a more formal employment condition. I’ve often considered that I was an unlikely candidate for that kind of engagement given my unconventional nature and pathway. That, in combination with the limited time and greater expense of bringing to work a paralyzed body has left me looking in other directions.
I’m excited to consider the proposition a little more deeply now, and have it on my agenda to start the week with some efforts in that direction.
I woke this morning just a few moments before my alarm to discover a sense of restedness a bit surprising for its unfamiliarity. A few minutes later, just on time as she is wants to do, Patience came through the front door. This morning not just from down the hall, but from many miles away at Joshua tree where she rose before the dawn.
We meditated and went to work getting me bodily tuned and upright once again. Through the process we listened further to Daniel’s latest offering to sum up his view of the crisis of our condition and what might be done about it. That sounds like a job I could enjoy doing. I’ll most certainly apply.
As the filmmaker took us out after the close of the invitation, I struck upon his use of the word “sovereign” to describe individuals. I have heard others use this word as well and understand it to mean the disentanglement of the individual from the confusions of their culture and society.
It got right under my skin. A feeling of irritation… While I appreciate the sentiment, I long for a better word. Sovereignty describes an “absolute power and control” in this case over oneself. There is much to be said for this, yet for me it also leaves out the enormously important and often forgotten fundamental nature of our interdependencies.
On hearing my expression of distaste, Patience invited me to elaborate. From a place of irritation, I’m afraid I didn’t do a very good job, rather ending up contentiously taking to task her treatment of the term and its contextual implications.
I grew quiet, contemplating why and how I had let such incivility come through. Writing in reflection in this moment, I wonder if it didn’t have to do with a sense of frustration that I had not fully understood my own appreciation and the source of irritation.
“It seems,” I said at last “that the term as it was used there represents a cultural and evolutionary struggle to express new insight when all that is on hand are old words.”
Sovereignty very well expresses important movement of individuation from the narrow confines of ideological cultural norms. Our task today however, as I see it, has more to do with reinforcing that healthy individuation, while simultaneously honoring the importance of weaving even tighter bonds between ourselves, one another, our human family, the animals and plants, and even the air and water that give these bodies life.
I don’t have a better word yet, I do think I understand more the nature of my tension.
“I’m sorry I let my frustration out on you, you didn’t deserve that.” I said just after landing in the chair. Patience smiled, politely dismissing my apology while honoring and accepting it as well.
The morning was spent in weekly review and preparation of the clerical footings of the week. After the day out yesterday, it took a little longer to wrangle threads.
I made it outside into the sun for a few minutes before the heat wave comes tomorrow, and spent the rest of the day catching up on the weeks correspondence.
I had a call with Rae, an old friend of my father’s that I knew once long ago as a child. She was a family friend and therefore something of an auntie. Today she is at my father’s side almost daily, helping he and my stepmother Linda to navigate the scree upon their current life’s path.
Her recent efforts have brought us back in near daily communication, sweet reunion for me for what has been the better part of a lifetime since our initial connections. I’m treasuring this gift.
The afternoon is quiet. Patience did me the kindness of offering to come by and get me some dinner and to bed later. For now, she is out spending time with a friend visiting from out of town. I had planned to be back to bed by 3 PM today to honor my lack of direct support. Her offer which came midday, left me with a little tear in my eye for the generosity in the face of vulnerability I suspect.
I’ll use the time remaining today to clear a few more inbox items and make ready for a busy week.
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…