Surrender to be given, integrity to be brought.
“Trust is essential in this time…” The opening words to an astrology update reads this way today.
I was wondering about the threshold of humility and self despair this morning.
Trust, for me, has a quality of surrender, this seems to require humility. Yet I sometimes wonder if in surrendering some quality one risks losing the clarity of confidence necessary to persevere. I think I was never very good at anticipation.
Anticipation feels like a building energy, something being received, something growing within. On the edge of therapy here, at some point that growing feeling is going to meet the container of identity and being… Unless.
So two things then; on one hand, a self resilience, an identity with the integrity to both hold space for the growing anticipation, in the fullness of resilience to meet that expanding energy at the point where that which was anticipated becomes realized as present, secure, and true.
On the other hand, a fullness of surrender, transcendent of narrow identity, the self freed from calcified constructs of what the lovely George Harrison called, I me mine. In this humility energy meets no resistance against which to build, anticipation becomes the timeless flow of creation moving from beyond (prior to) conception and endlessly, creatively through the ocean waves of identity arising and passing away as awareness itself.
This “self despair” I suppose might be some threshold between the integrity of the healthy human instrument and the realization of our totality that encompasses all the kosmos seen and unseen, known and unknown, existent, and nonexistent. Perhaps that brokenhearted feeling of “not enough,” “unworthy,” “incompetent,” “fragile,” or “weak” has something to do with awareness realizing it’s formless aspect as formal event.
What if accepting self despair, not seeking to undo it for some arrogant sense of enlightened humility, becomes the medicine that builds the movement of that anticipated becoming?
Isn’t that the place, where trust and faith shine? When we truly honor our humility as naked, blinking, innocent animals arising in a vast mystery extending in every direction, inward and outward, beyond measurements of up and down, what other life raft of self seeing is there except surrender and faith?
All other forms of identity, meaning, and “truth” seem nothing more than reified constructs of the perceptual apparatus?
And yet there is that moment of realization of being, the emergence of “I am” within which is the seed of love, bliss, and gratitude. “I am” becomes a boiling anticipation of “I am that.”
Within “I am that which…” Self emerges.
Am I that which clings to self? Fearing my dissolution of constructed identity, to go where? Back into that boundless mystery which I for a moment cast out of myself in my grasping for certainty?
I slept reasonably well last night, waking with not too much sense of anticipation for the conversation this morning. I’ll be meeting with two new friends whom I’ve mentioned in these pages before. New friends who are new friends to one another as well. Each of these people brings a remarkable archetype of manifest greatness into my view.
We are connecting because… Magic? Ordination? Intention?
I spent four hours in dialogue with one of these new friends yesterday as, among other things, she facilitated me through a process of healing embodied in the goddess EOS – the bringer of the dawn, dawn’s light herself. In that process arose a statement of self integrity, a construct to reify for some time, “I ignite mesh works of empowered care.”
I’ll be working with this mantra now for some time. There is light, and healing, and energy, and lion heartedness within it. Perhaps this is the process of life, identify some object as stable, as food, and to consume and digest that transcending it towards higher orders of realization, more complex, but eventually more simple in the plainness of their truth.
Feeling a bit mystical this Sunday morning I guess.
Work to be done, surrender to be given, integrity to be brought.
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…