“I think I slept better last night.” I wonder aloud. Again, just kava and a little bit of melatonin (two drops, not sure of the milligrams) seems to have made the difference. Of course I don’t want to write off the potential and possibly even likely influence of the excellent torso massage work I’ve been receiving from Caroline, Courtney, and now Cassandra in the evenings as a catalyst for deeper and easier breathing.
I’ve been experiencing a kind of subtle frenetic energy this morning. It’s just 9:30 AM and already there have been missed connections, small things overlooked, anxious expressions in the field of my engagements with, so far, three people. I noticed the unsettled quality first in myself as I found my throat filling with words, subjecting Courtney to lengthy monologues about the nature of human development.
As I look in these moments, I’m not surprised to find this quality of subtle disruption emergent even earlier in the day. Waking just a little heavy and sitting to meditate, after just 15 minutes the fluids in my throat had dropped to congest an airway giving me fits of hacking with which to practice, or disrupt my meditation.
The usual morning glass of water today was just a sip and I moved quickly into bringing my knees to chest to apply some pressure on the diaphragm which helped to clear the phlegm.
So, wonder, uncertainty, frenetic energy, anxiety… These things are present, but by no means the story.
The usual Sunday ritual work schedule was shifted to accommodate a dialogue yesterday. What was scheduled for 105 minutes ran instead, 210. The conversation was largely harmonic until near the end, possibly about the 150 minute mark when a frenetic anxiety energy washed through. It may have been brewing before, possibly in my own sense of distraction which was not strong and easily overcome, though not entirely absent.
The conversation ended spaciously and amicably enough, though I haven’t returned to those communication channels to survey the outcome.
With the remainder of the day I managed to move through the ritual items; weekly review, reading, correspondence, giving full attention to the first and somewhat less to the latter two. Well enough for now, I thought, feeling the fullness of time and activity building its own pressure.
Rather than struggle I decided to make do with “good enough” (nodding in this moment to that quote from Voltaire) and chose to opt in the evening for a movie.
Courtney selected Whiskey Tango Foxtrot from the movie library, made dinner, and we settled in to a well earned story. She had spent the afternoon on the back porch repotting and making beautiful many of the plants that had gone a bit untended and in need of new life. Sitting with our backs to that fresh energy, we watched Tina Fey lead us on a journey through the Afghan war from the perspective of a journalist in the mid 00’s.
Rest was a little later than usual, lights out near 10:30 PM, likely just a little later, and sleep came quickly enough.
Somewhere in the early morning hours I felt the nagging anxiety of the unanswered question – how will I continue to pay to keep up this good care, let alone grow more from it… My mind started to reprioritize and organize the weeks schedule of work, still now at 10:00 AM waiting to be revisited in the waking state.
Much to do, little is known, must not entertain ignorance and confusion as clouds to obscure the clear path. May I surf (serve) these waves of frenetic anxiety, energetic uncertainty, and wonder while they reveal that which through their tumult is being born. ??
It would seem appropriate at this time to draw the reader’s attention to the crowdfunding initiative which hopes to provide the bridge between this financial uncertainty and what we pray will be a rich, generous, and well received offering on the other side…
PS. As I moved to share these words with Charles and others who were the inspiration for the effort, I realize that today is May 18, marking the anniversary, 39 years hence of the dramatic eruption of Mount Saint Helens, the first major natural disaster in the memory of my life. Certainly the quality of frenetic energy, anxiety, and wonder…
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…