Stumbling in the dark.
When something isn’t working, who’s responsible?
What happens when everyone is responsible and it seems therefore in practice, no one is responsible?
What happens when we choose to be responsible, but the task is overwhelming for those gathered to undertake it?
I am living this acutely right now, in multiple dimensions, AND it seems the state of our world.
Is this just entropy?
In other news, it’s the solstice and the new moon. Longest, hottest day, and darkest night. The president has fired the federal investigator looking into his allegedly criminal connections, and is holding a rally protected by firearms to gather 10,000 people in close proximity with no mention of their potential to transmit to one another a pandemic virus.
Personally, my own situation has reached something of a fever pitch on all fronts, right down to the level where my primary research today is to determine whether I will need to call an ambulance in the next 48 hours simply to do a number two.
And hours pass…
And I have found care without such dramatic steps as an ambulance. It was not easy today, for this quadriplegic, resourced well as I am, with the support of my doctor, the owner of a care provision service, the local San Diego community resource hotline, and the Internet at my disposal. Eventually I made the call, and Alejandra picked up with ease and grace in her voice and a string of “yes, yes, yes” to put my most pressing and immediate concerns to rest.
I tremble to think how this went for anyone less fortunate. Something broken.
After spending the bulk of the day on dead-end calls and feeling the persistent physical distress of the body, perhaps responding to the cold grey day, or any other number of possible malaise, I was able to relax a little more made in the afternoon when an old friend, Elisa, stopped by just to help share the friendliness, reflection, and any possible creativity in the moment.
A lovely woman from the care services stopped by, and two small birds as if out of a Disney movie started dancing in the treetop outside. Things were starting to look up, if not on a large scale, at least in the immediate.
We chatted for a moment, our new friend long from the Dominican Republic, and Elisa such a world traveler made for lovely conversation companions. After I felt we had the gotten to know you fairly well established I launched us into a viewing of a rather complex introduction to a certain view on state of the world. Something broken.
Over the past week I’ve fallen into one of the potholes of our ongoing and natural evolutionary catastrophe, in that whole I’ve found the bumps and bruises of uneven terrain at nearly every scale of the tumble, and yet in spite of myself, and in spite of moments of frustration somehow I keep finding myself smiling and laughing, grateful for the majesty of it all, and in those moments more determined than ever not to be overwhelmed, to find some way to be responsible.
Tomorrow is another day, my body is strained and pained today and I would not be surprised were it that way again tomorrow. There are loving bodies in the house, come to give care, strangers before now, friends I will likely not see again. They will offer the kindness of their care and yet it will not be what I have grown accustomed to, broken from that continuity, there is discomfort.
I may find despair my friend on the pillow in the morning, or in the night, I may find frustration as I strive to fulfill my prayers of lovingkindness, compassion, and skillful action. The darkness flows through my veins as it flows through all of this. Yet also, there are the seeds of light, and I have only to remember.
“Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.” – Rabindranath Tagore
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…