Starting the last of the first of the next…
For the second day in a row, I come to this page with a sense of a nervous system having been dashed against some rocky shore of experience.
Again that shore is the confounded establishment of our social services complex. I left a message today with my assigned caseworker, probably the 10th daily message, still with no reply. My list of questions grows by the day, as does the dearth of answers.
Another round of research towards even visiting a residential care facility that might be relevant to my situation, left yet another gaping hole of ambiguity, uncertainty, and un-clarity.
The friendly encouragement echoes back from those loved ones near the project – two camps really: one says, “you’ll need to fight dirty in this realm, go around the rules to make your own way” the other, “this is a great opportunity for you to learn what you might have to offer the system in terms of service.” Honestly, both seem true, as well as somewhat futile in this moment.
At least rest has improved in the night. Perhaps thanks to the herb tea I’m taking after dinner – nonetheless, I’m sleeping a good seven hours, with room for meditation, and a reasonably early start to the day. It all feels fragile though, with uncertainty at every aspect, I often feel like I can’t get up and get working soon enough. Still, I think this is good practice to develop a sense of creative capacity and resilience in the face of an uncertain world. Who knows, maybe that will still come in use somewhere.
I keep developing these skills, now I need to figure out how to get them moving in the world.
I started today with a long conversation with my friend Jean – he too has undertaken a long sense of trekking in the wilderness, where it often looked like his efforts might prove for not, and his best laid intentions resulting in no more value than dust in obscurity. (My words.) From the vantage of this moment however, his work looks very different – couched in a community of intelligent and encouraging peers, he is moving forward in ways quite specific to his personal design sensibility, and sense of aesthetic.
Jean is brilliant. Often well beyond my own senses of apprehension, yet he makes room in a generous way for me to thrash about in the face of his ideas. Today was no different. Two hours in the morning later and I tumbled out of the washing machine of his inquiry, wet like a dog on the rivers edge.
Ready for lunch, I turned to greet Eleña who had come in sometime ago, bringing with her today her lovely little dog, Pear. One of those nervous little breeds, Pear was on heightened alert as every time she looked away, Kitty was stalking her and ready to pounce. Pear and I are good friends, so while Eleña made one of her “out of this world” salads, the two of us chilled out in the office, me at the desk and she on the floor in the sun; Kitty at bay under threat of admonishment, but still watching, skeptical from the sidelines.
After salad, coffee, and a few chocolate covered beans, it was back to work for Bobo. I bought a little energy in the fray by completing a few documents and getting them uploaded to the government portal, before wading in once again that is the mess of trying to navigate that complex, overtaxed, and underfunded mayhem that is the social safety net of the US today.
Just under two hours later I came rolling out the other side, not so much feeling oppressed today, but still psychically and spiritually drained by the experience. It took me literally 60 minutes of random busywork and just stretching to rally enough energy to dig into the next complex task.
Today that meant catching up on the backlog of communications, collection of wisdom really, from my partners in conceiving our last decade or so the value proposition we call MettaCare. Based on the foundational inquiry into Omni-Directional Care Awareness stemming from the context of paralysis and the need for ongoing partners in care (as well as a number of other acute care contexts), we are exploring how to translate this insight for the coming tsunami of elders requiring care. Of course the places that this exploration might find fertile ground for its nutrient go well beyond conditions of acute medical need, and so the work and research required today to frame that offering.
I was nourished enough by those writings of friends and loved ones on the matter, but only just so. Even with a bit of meditation, which helped, I never quite regained my center today, and will look forward to the reset of dinner, shower, sleep, and a longer meditation to get me off on the good foot in the morning.
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…