Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Sleepwalking it seems…

Kabir kadre|2 years, 3 months ago

This thin sense of staring out through eyes of gauze, the shapes of the world still crisp and colorful, but the reflection on the screen of mind fuzzy and without clear edges.

I did get to sleep earlier last evening after numerous days of restless nights. Yesterday was the worst, feeling almost dizzy from 3:30 PM onward. I slept earlier last night, but woke again like clockwork around the 2 AM hour, with no chance of returning slumber before the morning. Five hours of sleep then, instead of the recent 3 to 3 1/2. I wondered if it might be enough.

It wasn’t.

I’ve been making my way gently for the last 45 minutes, recognizing the end of the days cognitive function had passed.

Even looking back over the day I can see that I never quite got on top of anything in a “productive” sense. I did manage to nurse forward a few projects, mostly the mundane clerical bits – scheduling of termite remediation, miscellaneous taxes and payroll, clearing of inboxes.

There must be something to be said however for the simple grace of good fortune. Simple, but very useful things also managed to transpire today.

The hard drive I recently ordered came in the mail which meant I could copy the files to it and prepared to mail it to my friends in Montana who will be using the content both to continue to spread their good work, but also to nurture some support for my ongoing crowdfunding efforts.

I was able to catch up in the morning with my good doctor who has been working from home for the last few weeks after traveling from a conference just as concerns were growing. With two small children, a wife, business, and creative engagements with a multitude of parties, to say nothing of his administrative and training roles in the wider healthcare space, he has been quite stretched in the moment and it felt good just to connect informally as two friends recognizing the intensity of our experience.

The platform of the evil social media behemoth continues to bear fruit, reconnecting me today yet again to three more old and distant friends from around the globe – precious connections not formally nurtured outside of the space of the digital village. One day, we will replace the commercial capitalist corporate surrogates for actual connection with something more truly aligned with the vitality’s of nature. There remains a few notches down on my to do list, but burning nonetheless and fortunately I’m not the only one focused in that direction…

While the soggy brain digresses, I only mean just reference the fact that in spite of myself and my lack of sleep, weaving the threads of our global community of love does seem to have a place in the valuation of a day.

Other old friends found me on the platform as well and after a week of nudging one another we finally caught some time on the videophone today.

Some are patiently waiting for this whole pandemic thing to blow over. Others are prepping for the end of the world. I keep looking out and feeling hyperbole just looking at the numbers… Not only in economic terms, but also in anticipated deaths above the median.

It’s been said we’ve been through something like this before. The Great Depression, the Spanish flu, other periodic pandemics, but I can’t help wonder.

Again I must digress for a moment – something along the lines of “every generation thinks that their moment in time is The One, but it’s just an optical illusion of the context.” Is a refrain I have heard many times.

But I can’t help wonder.

Today we have a pandemic running on the fuel of supercharged commuter capacity, flowing through a globally meshworked economy and supply chain, being met by the voice of the Internet. Context matters. This is different.

So in that context, one that was strained before this obvious impact, I and a handful of others are actively wondering, is that funky, disjointed, painful system just enough off balance right now that some particular leverage applied in just the right way, right place, and right time might produce an outsized and beneficial shift in some new direction?

Some are patiently waiting for the whole thing to blow over. Others, powder dry, waiting to reenter the market. Others prepping for End of Days, and countless more stumbling through an existential discomfort not seen for generations, destined to recover or end up where…?

So it was nice to find Dean and Lyena and their beautiful son, now much taller and older than I recall, on the video today. Together we got to whisper just a little of this wonder. Is there something calling us now, some invitation which, if we listen just carefully so, we might find our feet guided just a little further along the path?

Courtney started the journey today from novel new friend towards intimate partner in our field of care. Caitlin was her guide with acumen and grace. We all danced together through the day. Lunch in the sunshine, time and conversation in the garden.

As I said I haven’t been sleeping well. Something off has me wondering along the lines of organ systems. I called my friend Tomás and will start working with him tomorrow.

The obstacles are growing smaller, the opportunities more plentiful, and the creativity more flowing. I’m still taking small steps than my yearning, but my yearning it seems is catching up to my steps.

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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…