Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Resolving by our work…

|9 months, 4 days ago

“… Let us eat consciously, resolving by our work to pay the debt of our existence.” — From a Sufi mealtime prayer.

Reflecting in a moment, I’m reminded of a construct I was introduced to by Ms. Kemmerer, The Honorable Harvest. Both of these wisdom whispers remind us of our interconnected nature.

It stands out to me that, while we might frame this as a responsibility/privilege, to stand in the middle, both receiving and giving, this is a very object-oriented way to reflect.

Another way might be to conceive of ourselves not as distinct objects, in relation to others, but rather as living, awake moments in a boundless flowing process of vitality, creativity, and grace.

This is really a stream of consciousness arising from the impulse that brings me today to the page.

There is a fleck of blue in the sky I can see, the first today – just now shortly after 5 PM. Other than that it has been a pretty constant monotone grey, at least given the level of perception I have offered up.

Truly, even the grey sky might give way to a rainbow of depth and distinctions, if only we offer our gaze inquiringly. As the creative artist, Mr. Watts, once said so poetically, “If you pay attention to the world, it's an amazing place. If you don't, it's whatever you think it is.”

But I digress, a meter that may be well explained as this piece unfolds.

The grey sky in my mind’s eye reflects a damp coolness in my body; an ongoing oscillation of malaisic discomfort.

I have been confounded by this physical distress, neither able to track and record its instances with any consistent reliability, nor to identify its root causes with any reasonable degree of fidelity.

In the moment it feels familiar to so many other grey days; today, yesterday, last winter, other moments before… At the same time, there have been plenty of bright and clear sunny days reflecting a similar sensation of graded autonomic dysreflexia, in recent warm days and countless days before.

I hope that the tone of these paragraphs conveys a kind of “washing about” sense of experience; a kind of “had by” somewhat directionless quality of the moment. If so, you have an approximate glimpse of the feeling.

The aimlessness makes it difficult to focus on any projects really requiring a whole body creativity. For me, this is most generative work of any substance. Tasks which can be accomplished with partial, or narrow types of attention are more approachable in this state.

Like yesterday, the feeling of “the end of the day” came sooner today than is my preferred and usual reference to time in those context.

At 5 PM I was ready to throw in the towel, but there is that sense, that longing to “be the beauty we love,” of being not some object of time and space, but rather realizing the vital process of being living expression, the very gossamer light itself.

Isn’t there just one more heartbeat of giving I can muster before surrendering to the entropy of being little old me?

And so, resolving by this work, I come to honor the privilege of this birth. I come to breathe deep the gifts of the rainbow serpent given uniquely to me, and with the best fidelity I may, let that light shine on, not landing on, but flowing through the helpful mirage of me.

The physical distress has been distracting for weeks. For a time it was explained by a cellulitis, less so now. For a time there was a concern for congestion of the digestive processes, but thanks to a mix of coconut water and whole flaxseeds, that is no longer the case. Now we are back just to the mystery of dis-ease.

This certainly feels like a moment of ebb to me, most often on the other side of which one finds flow. There is gift in recognizing the equanimity that lives, a still point, in the perfect center of boundless, timeless process, the life beyond death in death in life…

Earlier in the Sufi prayer it says, “We bless the lives that have died to give us food…”

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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…