Deep and yet interrupted slumber, stirred lethargically to the opening of the front door as Faith made her way in for our first solo flight together. The sky over the ocean and the near coast, a deep, dark, grey. More light penetrates the sky further east towards the house and our vantage point here on the hillside.
I find myself orienting slowly today, much on the agenda, nurses visit for protocol purposes, and interview with a student of architectural design who also shares an interest in care, formal launch of the next wave of fundraising campaign, and meditation with Dr. Brown in the evening, the first in a couple of weeks.
The week, with the first of the month, is moving into a new dynamic. Last evening Cassandra came to give care, and through midday Friday I’ll have familiar and personal support; a contrast to the agency people juggling so much and needing such close supervision and guidance from me.
The last few days, supported by Elisa, have had a certain tone of journeying, as if traveling with a friend through liminal spaces. The next days, a bit like a layover at home, rest, reorient, and travel again… Until I can reestablish a robust personal care team, this will be the pattern of sorts. Orienting to this dynamic seems to call me to be light on my feet.
Cassandra reports yesterday that the house seems to be reasonably in order, even with the transient population of support. A shower last night, and more personalized body care then and this morning leaves me feeling a bit more intact, somehow able to settle.
More dreams last night, no monsters this time, but still somewhat unsettled. I remain humbled, continuing to reflect on the nature of my own uncertain and somewhat unstable situation, to see how perfectly that appears to mirror the state of our wider world. Similarly, as I’ve traversed these past weeks of difficulty, I’ve come to more deeply appreciate the plight of disadvantage conditions, be they racial, economic, disability, and the way that implicit systemic privilege can blind us to one another.
The intensity of prayer and longing within me grows to meet and overcome these current personal challenges of fluency and ease so that I might move into a more creative and generous phase of response to these conditions of inequity, desolation, and impact reverberating throughout this precious world of life.
I think I’ll make coffee today, for the first time in many weeks. Even in this moment I can feel my body tingling as though to let love through. As if there are two worlds, Faith and I touched on that construct this morning – the world of the mundane and the world of sacred, as though love is some resource yearning to enter form.
On the one hand, paying the bills, finding care, doctors appointment, work to address suffering; on the other hand, ultimate meaning, peace at the deepest levels of the soul, feelings of love, connection, and compassion that make all of the firsthand work worth doing.
My prayer is that we continue to learn to bring these things together in a common harmonic oneness accessible, familiar, and useful to all.
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…