Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Peering through the cracks…

Kabir Kadre|1 year, 5 months ago

“… That’s how the light gets in…” — Leonard Cohen

Just a few minutes before noon on 9 January. On my birthday, just a few days ago I completed the exercise of writing every day for a year.

The following day was full, and finished with a surprise, and very intimate small, gathering to celebrate the birthday’s of both I and a close friend of a close friend, Pramahansa Yogananda.

Recognizing the completion of a cycle, I rested easy that day, not concerned for my absence at the writing desk. In other news, pain had began to creep into my body that afternoon.

Wednesday morning we got our latest Covid scare, additionally my body was not feeling up to spec, and by midday Nova and I were huddled together on the bed watching mayhem unfold in the nation’s capital, while we followed along on Twitter and other media venues.

I managed to get up again on Friday, but only for a few short hours, less really.

Thanks to Nova’s steadfast certainty and insistence on my wellness, I got up again this morning.

The culprit seems to be compressions in my lower back, indeed – Dr. Mike suggested as much during our treatment on Tuesday.

On rising I went straight outside into the sunshine to gather some rays and nature, not knowing the tenure of my freedom.

I spent a few hours in the sunshine, chatting with the neighbors, Nova, and eventually, Marsha on the phone. Cassandra arrived and we caught up for a bit before I decided to come inside and see what I might get done before the pain grows too much.

My intention in writing here is to take more of a reflective approach, to find some way to offer more of my heart into the world, for now, in this moment, I am still transitioning from the more personal journal format.

The pain is present, but not too bad. I’m going to retire soon anyway, just to get in the shower and let my back rest for one more day in hopes that the extended recovery will give me more runway for the coming week.

For now, I feel a bit like our country, strained, overdue for some reconciliation, and clear path forward. I had hoped to get much of that done this week, it was not to be.

Even now the question I had meant to begin with here on this page lingers with me… Peering through the cracks, where to from here? Aside from continuing to cultivate a sense of love in my heart, what can I use these precious moments of life in my body to express, do, offer into the world?

In the visible planes and dimensions at least, I have yet to have manifested this in such a way that might give me hope for this self to find any stability… Perhaps that is the gift, perhaps there is strength in discovering balance in thin air, falling, yet as Trungpa says, “no rope and nothing to catch onto, but no ground either.”

For now I will continue to strive to look inward, peering through the cracks to discover what light I might find, some seed inside into which to breathe light, eventually flame, and eventually the full fire of a great and faithful power.

May it be so…

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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…