Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Moments of anticipation…

|2 years, 8 months ago

It’s 20 minutes after the 5 o’clock hour and the day has decidedly gone not according to plan.

In about 40 minutes folks will start trickling in from their busy weeks in various corners and we will have a bubbling cadre of friendship and cheer convening for “movie night.” This happens periodically, a little ritual started by Caitlin some time ago when she realized I had not seen a recent iteration of the Ghostbusters film. Like many traditions, a simple beginning seems to have taken hold in this evening’s engagement will reflect a weeklong group chat of goofy sounds, giggles and various coordinating logistics.

I thought I might’ve napped a little today, but I’m confident that I always knew better.

Last evening was a shower night, and after yesterday’s busy day, we got a late start moving in that direction. As well, the evening went longer than usual with the BM program clearing out just a little more scat than the average bear. Lights out for me was nearly an hour later than usual, and it happened to be an evening when Caitlin is not only putting me down, but will also be the first face I see in the morning.

I slept well and also lingered a little in the morning in hopes of giving her a little breathing room as late nights, while done with grace, are generally not most suitable to her rhythm.

The morning was playful and light, as is usual for Caitlin and I. Playful and light, with tones of depth, tension, and reverence. By 10 AM I was out the door (of the bedroom) and we were off to the races.

My 9 AM date with “Clerical Business” surrendered itself to a quick check of email and revision of the days’ to do list. After a few quick messages out, I turned my videoconferencing solution towards the Pacific Northwest and a lovely little barn corner that plays home to my friend Dave. Dave had invited me recently – I may have mentioned – to explore using the I Ching as a way of liberating some energy of inquiry around my pressing concerns, and had offered this morning to reflect a bit with me on the readings that had come up and what dialogic they might hold in navigating this leg of a journey.

Our conversation wandered the sweet wooded lanes of vulnerability, possibility, surrender, creativity, and generosity. I’m struck today with the generosity of remarkable people surrounding me. So much powerful creative energy, given so freely and with such love has and continues to feel catalytic in terms of opening something inside of me. What inside of me, I wonder, is that living tissue of a richer reciprocity, what heartbeat might be unleashed, and what beauty may it draw from the world? My eyes dance with the flickering light of this question.

The 12 o’clock hour came quickly and with it, the beckoning calls of my friends gathered in a conference room 20 minutes north (https://projectapollo.me)… The to do list had so much writing and phone calls today, I only hoped that I might tune in for a while. As it turned out, a while was all I had. Multitasking my attention, I was fortunate to enjoy a round of check ins, and to appreciate some snippets of good news in terms of what is brewing there, and the impact it is having on the participants.

At 1 o’clock, Alexis called – we have known each other now for perhaps seven years, and have enjoyed each other’s company for perhaps seven hours in that time. Every minute of it precious, I was delighted yesterday when Alexis rang to say that he had been thinking of me recently and would like to catch up for coffee sometime. We had scheduled for later this afternoon, but is timing, apparently like mine today, turned out to be more fluid and he would be here at 1:30.

Foolishly, I had scheduled an hour for catch up and was reminded of the reality of our mischief as 3 1/2 hours instead passed by while we danced our words, story, and as Alexis put it, “invitation” and “expression” in faith of humanity and duty to God. As we spoke, I could see the clues of my own heart reflecting in his eyes, laughter, and inquiry, I could see clearly the day was destined for other things.

Alexis is a generous soul who manages to find his way into all kinds of creative opportunities to give love. Whether bonding business partners in New York through the trials of turbulence, supporting students to open their hearts and vulnerabilities to one another, or bringing together the broken hearts of police and those they seek to serve, Alexis brings a hunger for life and love that seemingly with near no exception, calls clarion to the best in those he meets and implicitly serves.

This was certainly the case for me today as in our simple conversation I found myself returned again and again to something alive with light and celebration inside of me. Would I speak to a thousand people he asked? I laughed, of course there was no stopping him. A thousand became a million, a million became 5 million. I had a salad, he had ice cream. We both had coffee, and now there was no stopping either of us. As I said we spoke of faith and duty to God, the supremacy of love, and the urgency of time and suffering in the world.

Reluctantly, we parted. If I’m awake at midnight, I’ll have to call him to tease the divine surrender a little longer into form. 🙂

There are words I’m not saying here. There are always words not said. I mention this only as a placeholder for an overwhelming sense of gratitude for these continued connections, loving gestures from a wide community of care, coming to me in my hour of need. And when I say need, I only just mean, the insistence I hold in my heart that it might break open just a little further and free the bird of my soul to liberate every last little bit I may have to give.

Now the smell of popcorn, the sound of laughter and conversation is emanating from the kitchen. The sweet qualities of spending time together. Thank you now, thank you all.

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