Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Joie de vivre!

Kabir kadre|1 month, 9 days ago

Hallelujah I’ve been sleeping well again! Already I’ve lost track, is it 3, or is it 4, but for some time now and for the first with any consistency, I’ve been sleeping long through the night and waking rested near the dawn with morning to spare.

Tonight I think I’ll even reduce the dose of melatonin from 2 to 1 drops before bed. Now, to tuning the days…

For nearly 5 months now I’ve been operating either on heavy stress loads, low rest, or both. When I say that out loud right now to the voice software, I’m really struck by the seeming enormity of that. Never before in my life that I recall have I had such a period of duress. I feel called to renew myself, to ignite a fierce clarity of purpose and intent that has been brewing for many years.

Today’s 1 June, feels like a moment to claim summer, although in reality I guess that’s not really formally the case until the 20th when we will observe the solstice. How is that? I wonder. It seems the solstice would be the middle of the summer, the moments of greatest heat and intensity from the light of the sun, equatorially speaking I guess.

Yesterday we completed the initial phases of demolition and finalized the acquisition of our first-order parts to build our garden gate. Caroline and I venturing out – the first time for me – into the pandemic world, to a crowded place at the hardware store, felt a little like astronauts in our spaceship traveling into another realm.

The two of us seem to work well together and our rough and caring edges play nicely enough that there even seems to be a fairly solid friendship growing.

We found our way back to the house just at the 3 o’clock hour, time for her to return to the farm, and me to the desk.

There was an email from dad raising some alarm, a companion message from my aunt just shedding a little encouragement on his words, the telephone, and video call both ringing almost simultaneously from two separate friends reaching out for the first time in a while, and the text message alert sounds recording my brother’s attention on the matter of the seemingly cryptic message from dad.

All quiet it’s been for many days, and some flourish of energy blowing through in the final hours of May… Haven’t even checked the news for this morning yet…

It turns out my dad has just been tuning into these stream of consciousness journal entries which really just amount to a disciplined practice of writing every day, an effort to refine my capacities for storytelling, recording, and word craft.

“Cut close to the bone.” Charles always said when asking for the writing to be more honest and authentic. Advice I take to heart, really what is knowledge of self, if not deep and clear and honest? What’s the point of sharing ourselves with one another, the world with itself, if we are not to practice a deeper seeing, a more vulnerable strength to test what really endures?

“I had to stop reading them.” My dad said, your entries just seem to narrate a downward slide. “I thought it would try just one more time.” He said of opening yesterday’s words. “But that was too much.”

He picked up an email and wrote me that I should posthaste get my affairs in order and find my way into hospice.

“!?” I thought… I don’t feel ready to die. I kind of think I’ve got a few things still to do here… Of course one never knows.

Clearing my way through the flood of communications, I made my way to the video call to reach out and find out what was going on with my dad. The conversation was challenging and difficult, mostly civil, but I had to unpack it with myself, call on a few other friends in the aftermath to gain some perspective.

It will be some time, hours at least, possibly days while I attempt to really appreciate what was being expressed there and how most generously to respond.

I never did make it back to any of the ritual Sunday affairs, but made my way to bed, shower, and rest.

Caroline arrived this morning, almost still sleep even after her drive down the mountain and morning chores on the farm. My medication this morning, interrupted by some not uncommon phlegm concerns, and distracted mind, what’s fortunately one of clear and methodical steps to which I could return after recovering from each successive distraction.

“I’m going to want some coffee today,” I said, “need the medicine of my bean friends from the mountain.” There’s a lot going on in the world, large and small, intimate, personal, as well as grand and evolutionary. For those of us the fuel called, there is work to do.

There is always work to do. Within that work, created that is, there is always joie de vivre!


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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…