Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Home again…

Kabir Kadre|17 days ago

It is with some surprise that I recognized in retrospect that I have been “away” for nearly 3 weeks.

I’m home now. It feels like home, though it is explicitly temporary, this particular lodging. In a sense, the hospital felt like home; 24 hours of hell at the nursing home felt like home; gazing out the window at the last golden light of the sunset, the world, this body, this moment feels like home.

This is by no means to diminish the elation felt as I spilled out of bed and into the wheelchair and down the hall and around some corners disorientedly making our way out of the hospital.

“You can’t get out that way.” Came the admonition of a man passing us in the hallway as we neared the doors. “I just tried.” He said.

We didn’t hesitate… Indeed the electronic doors failed to operate, but just there to the left, slightly out of focus, the familiar push handle and the fresh warm air of outdoors was upon us like a gentle ocean wave. Under we went…

Cassandra and new friend Rayanna had managed to fudge some rockstar parking and the car was not 30 m from the door, parked in the turnabout all by itself, waiting in glistening white.

As we pulled up to it, I simply closed my eyes, tilted my head back and rested just feeling the heat of the sun beating down on my face for the first time in weeks. Stillness and peace from within boiled to the surface, light meeting light on the threshold of being.

Ray is a bright delight, driving forward with intention from a fragile childhood of instability and foster care. She tenderly recounted some brief snapshots of her journey, a smile on her face and a tear in her eye as we sat in the car, getting to know one another while Cassandra ran in to the grocery mart for some simple staples and smoothie for lunch.

“We grow people here.” I told her, grinning, later.

“I know.” She said, smiling back. “I love it.”

The drive home was intentionally leisurely, a little music and a little tour guiding for our new friend, recently arrived in the area from South Jersey. We took the back roads, window open and fresh air blowing.

I was certainly comfortable enough at the hospital, even to some extent at the nightmare of the nursing home, but there is a distinct barrier in those places between the self and the outside world. Windows that don’t open, a layer of grubby dust coating the otherwise transparent surfaces between the eyes and the skies beyond.

Arriving home, I hit the ground running. Computer was on, some updates half installed, the desk was a slight disarray of books and papers. Cassandra and Ray sat down for a lunch of their own – yogic stew lovingly crafted and prepared by David just the other day in anticipation of nurturing the care partners who would be overseeing my return.

After lunch it was time for Cassandra to head off to her other job, leaving Ray and I to focus on schedule and beginning to wrangle the disarray.

I will have consistent care through tomorrow evening, with questions arising as soon as Wednesday morning. This will be an early order of business tomorrow morning to get some clarity and stability on how the week will unfold from here.

I managed to clear my inbox, scan the relevant documents, and stage the rest for review today, finally I was able to upload these new advertisement to sell the car, this should be live tomorrow or the next day and I will start spreading the word.

Somewhere in the midst of the afternoon Elisa called, just as I had settled my laptop back into the living room to move some files generated on the road. Her smiling face appeared on the video and lo she was just walking into a potential rental apartment she is generously scouting for us today.

Good light, rounded archways, nice green grass and a friendly street named for one of the greats of transformation, Kali-Ma, if not our final destination for this leg of the journey, it was a very least an auspicious echo of the path we are on.

The 5 1/2 hour work sprint and early darkness has left me spinning a bit. There is undoubtedly much to be done, and the pace, as I knew it would be, is different here “on the outside.” Life in the hospital was mostly spits of effort broken up by visits from the various care specialists, with long stretches of YouTube and movies to pass the time.

At least I been sleeping well, I do hope that will continue into this next wave of time.

I’m very much grateful to be here, home, and with so much to do. Plain things, nothing particularly aspirational, just ground and home and care and economics; just me looking to land in the simple goodness and humility of being human.

It’s nice to be writing again on my computer, with pleasant software and clear voice recognition. One day soon I will have to capture all previous weeks entries written on the phone and scrappy voice software laptop directly into emails and organize them here. It feels good to have it all in one place.

Vanessa has made dinner. My body is feeling some edges of funk. Not quite 6 PM, but worth winding down with so much waiting in the dawn.


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