Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Hello guardrails!

Kabir kadre|3 months, 24 days ago

Drifting into the afternoon hours on the grace of catching some dangling threads.

On my weekly to do list is a review of the inbox that captures a handful of daily and weekly newsletters spawned by the crypto currency industry and movement.

Like the exceptional wave of cloud formation lingering momentarily outside my office window, these rags have just enough substance to compel attention, even though I might find myself instead distracted by “more important” engagement.

And me without my camera, the brief, unique, and beautiful pattern now just moments later dissipating into wisps…

But those newsletters.

1:30 AM this morning and I realized I was no longer sleeping. This condition would persist, almost without interruption, until total surrender at 8:30 AM when it was just time to begin the day.

The hard edges of this hairpin turn in my life are coming up fast. The tires aren’t exactly screeching, but I’m definitely at the edges of my skill as a driver. I think it was the nerves that woke me.

Sitting up, my stomach turned over, an unpleasant reminder of sensations not long ago – sensations that led me to the ER and more time in forced surrender. Remembering the counsel of the recent Wednesday evening lecture, I asked myself “is it possible that this sensation too is empty?”

After doing a brief “body search” with my awareness, I stepped into a formal meditation, happy to see the gastrointestinal distress dissolving with the stress.

I got a few hours of meditation in last night anyway, so as my friend Dennis says “I’ve got that going for me.”

Nonetheless I knew to be prepared – I’ve got a long day today, finishing late with a client coaching session, and needed to pace myself in the journey.

Prior to the evening’s disruption of an otherwise balance pattern, I had planned to spend the day in hard thinking around budget numbers, and then translate that intelligence into a robust invitation/offering of my upcoming crowdfunding initiative.

Almost surprisingly, I made it through the morning – phone calls with Social Security, home health agents (the all-important catheter change lingering in the balance), doctor’s office; calculating spreadsheets and researching budget and benefit numbers – tires not quite screeching with the catheter change, but that guardrail is awful close; and the restrictions we place on public benefits seem artifactually constructed to perpetuate poverty rather than develop resilient sustenance.

I’m chuckling in this moment remembering this tweet drawn from my crypto newsletters, I do have a certain mettle built up over the years.

But those newsletters.

It seems the near certain path is to qualify for public assistance, necessitating an apparent expense of about $3500 on a special needs trust, and the subsequent and hopefully swift but unhurried selling of the house, in parallel with qualifying for SSI in order to access funding to cover care. Thinking I would be smart I went ahead and called to schedule the appointment to move on the SSI, only to find that the Social Security Administration had neither telephone nor in person appointments available anytime on their calendar looking forward.

I’ll call them back in a week. But those newsletters…

Finishing what I “could do” on those aspects of the project today, I turned my attention to the crowdfunding effort and found myself distracted enough to post an update to our current “seeking caregivers” Craigslist ad. Back to the crowdfunding page, I managed to upload the PDF of my January journal entries under the “events” section in order to build a library of resources for people coming to the site.

That took only a few minutes and in the process I realized the state of my brain was not in technical mode anymore. Hey! That inbox filled with newsletters has been piling up a little long now, that’s probably the perfect place for half a brain.

I wondered for a moment about the prudence of maintaining an inbox for those industry-specific articles, two years ago I was wholly focused on the field, perhaps there are better places for my attention today I thought.

I clicked over to desktop number one, scrolled down, and opened the folder. Chronological, or reverse chronological I wondered. Reverse, I decided.

It didn’t take long and I remembered why this inbox has persisted for so long. The authors therein are a mixed bunch of nerds, revolutionaries, economists, disgusted rationalists, data wonks, journalists, and comedians. The range of subjects all swirling around the central theme of decentralized, permission-less, open source economic instruments trickles into countless aspects of our modern society.

Spending an hour there once a week or so is incredibly enriching for my brain, particularly in the aspects of my curiosity around capital, society, and the flows of thinking to do with the upkeep of our little global home.

The narrative today would have to be summed up I think as coronavirus as a trigger event for an increasingly unstable global economic social structure. Russia at war with OPEC over oil prices (good news for the drivers amongst us), 40% of the longshoremen laid off at Long Beach pier due to global supply chain slowing, estimates for the current US cases of the new pandemic of just over 1000 individuals growing to 300,000-1 million by summer.

I haven’t dug into the details of this myself, though I think this is probably a good resource. Unsophisticated as I am, I jumped ship on this current “number go up” global economic approach almost 3 years ago. While I think that was early, I’m still waiting to see the house of cards come unraveled, and hoping and praying, and perhaps even working to see what suffering we might mitigate in the process.

Anyway, here I am, a little microcosm of distress reflecting the larger aspects of my environment. There I hope for resilience, or are we all doomed to wait in the middle of the night, uneasy and uncertain as we hear the whistle of the guardrails around this corner in time?

I’m off now, to prepare to serve the new friend I have yet to meet – a debrief client from Singapore which, incidentally, is rumored to be one of the best places in the world to be weathering this pandemic storm.

May you be well and happy. May all beings be well and happy. 🙏🏼


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