Getting to zero…
Is it foolish speculation? I’ve been having this confoundary throughout this journey of transformative window.
What is right effort? What is right surrender?
Today I think I have penetrated the density and will work tomorrow to create a new budget from scratch, imagining a life birthing from zero. Until now I have been struggling to understand how to salvage something from a full life, I think that has created a lot of confusion for me.
The full moon ? was teasing me last night, through the clouds pulling on my threads of wakefulness and sleep.
A hawk drifts outside in the cool evening air. The light is dim, the sun still up but hidden deep behind clouds and low on the horizon. I noticed it there, still in the sky, catching just the right updraft and scanning wide for dinner. I was taken with the realization that so much of its time must be taken floating on the airwaves, searching for food hidden below.
A few minutes ago I was coming out of a deep, tender, and loving conversation with Cassandra. We had been discussing tensions we were feeling in the little community that surrounds me, and how to relate to them.
Community is tricky, it’s a definite thing, but centered uniquely on each one of us. There is something to “seeing” not just through my own eyes, but through the lens of the unique community centered around me. I think this may be a rich territory to explore in the context of Social and Cultural capital views (a task I sincerely hope to undertake), in particular I think there is something to learn about what is occurring between you and I when we feel in communion with one another… Something having to do with the way that we share a seeing of community, yet in some very precise and distinct waves, our “one seeing” is really as if through parallel kaleidoscope running on slightly different beads…
Anyhow, perhaps that conversation will return to these pages one day.
As we finished our discussion I turned to face the desk, I was overwhelmed with an acute tension in my body, the familiar physical autonomic dysreflexic distress rising quickly in my experience. Cassandra of course came to my aid and we investigated the usual suspects – leg bag clear, drainage tube fine, no bunching in the clothing, not inadvertently sitting on the family jewels due to spasticity…
Turns out, in teasing me, the full moon seems likely to have some willing accomplice in that construction of space and time.
I noticed the hawk drifting there, it’s orientation giving it a high and wide view to the West.
Having checked my body for any obvious offense, I turned suspiciously to my phone to check the weather. There it was, one hour out and 60% chance of rain. ?
The rain tends to come from the West here on our little end of the valley.
It seems there is a better view than our traditional modern rational consideration to describe the nature of our affected condition here amongst the moon and stars, down here in the dirt and rain.
After a week, quite overfull, of work that carried right through every last moment of the weekend, I was grateful to feel this Monday morning as a window of reset.
Britni and I are getting the hang of the morning and one another. She was a little weary from a rough night and her vulnerability created some opening to explore coaching her a bit on her health and wellness habits. All heart there, just a little knowledge needed. There’s an incredible amount of low hanging fruit in our collective evolution if only we would add a little sophistication and duration to the health and well-being aspects of our educational processes.
Tiredness and full moon teasing aside, we made our way through the morning routine with lovely grace and I made the office before nine with time to spare and room to ready for my call with the Social Security Administration at 9:30.
Like the simplicity of understanding a healthy diet, when we see some things, it can be quite surprising how obvious it might have been had we only known to look just so.
Part of the challenge I’ve been learning into over the last 10 weeks is how to build an obvious life, from the disintegrating bits of a previously obvious, but ultimately decaying life.
Our human world has been built bit by bit over time, almost universally as responses to existential or emergent tensions felt in the moment. It is for this reason that health, healthcare, education, environmental impact, politics, and more in our collection of artifacts are showing the strain that they are; we have accumulated so much developmental momentum that our complex interwoven system begins to collapse upon itself when faced with the cocktail of tensions emergent as we grow.
My life is like that, increasingly complex, inter-penetrated, and dependent, now collapsing in a sense under its own weight. But is it really my life? I think that’s the trick I stumbled on today.
It’s absolutely clear that some form of public assistance will be necessary to sustain me into the very near and foreseeable future. I had hoped, in my conversation with Judy at Social Security to find a graceful pathway from where I stand today, and where I will need to be in relationship to those services not very many weeks from now.
Unfortunately, grace in the current system emerges only as an artifact of combining multiple threads together, and we navigating it are left largely alone, with our own wits and those of our companions to find the way.
Of course dear Charles, you may say, and you have earned, “I told you so.”
Finally however, after 10 weeks of searching through this haystack, I may be discovering that one simply needs use hay for needles.
The call with Judy was short. If I had any access to resources at all it seemed, the benefits so imminently required would remain unavailable. In order to proceed with grace, any resource of substance that might be useful or necessary in the transition would need to be formally “cloaked” from the process.
After the call I returned my attention to the weekly review and sorting of projects, calendars, and in boxes – a process I find invaluable to keeping on top of the madness of my constructive life – like spring cleaning, but weekly. 🙂
After such an intense week of shuffling things aside in order to complete my scoring contract in a timely fashion, the weekly review was like picking up after the party.
Everything in its place, I turned my attention for the first time in almost 3 weeks to the 30,000 foot view of where the hell am I, and where am I going anyway? A welcome reflection as you might imagine.
What I found was quite refreshing. I am no longer quite so convinced that my only options will take enormous effort, pain, and sacrifice. As Dave suggests, may be this Dragon is more friendly than I thought…
I have been encumbered by old views of myself, dazzled with my own imagined form and beauty. Such a precious chunk of form must necessarily have been quite carefully cut and shaped to be sculpted in beauty to fit to the context of the coming time. By imagining I knew the self that must be brought along, and working tirelessly (more likely exhaustingly) to understand the future to which it would need to adapt, I created an enormous amount of work for myself.
Stepping back today, and seeing things fall more clearly into place: step one. Pathway to asset conservation. Step two. Pathway to benefits eligibility. Parallel to that: establish financial resource security necessary to make the transition. Pathway to secure housing. Finally, pathway to refining benefits conservation and management.
Speaking of faith, I have always imagined a value on that particular kind of freedom that comes when we are unattached to our narrow view, that kind of freedom that comes when we can surrender ourselves into the flow of time, or the hands of God with a willingness to be and feel love flowing throughout it.
That is where I found myself today, just recognizing that placing so much effort on preserving some part of an old self only clouded the path to revealing, liberating, and nurturing the self that is ripe to be born in this new moment.
So that’s where I am now, just approaching one Delta closer to the wisdom of my dear friend Dr. Ari when he said “now I’m going to zero.”
zero is where the real fun is at
there’s too much counting everywhere else”
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…