Fragments of cohesion…
Waking up was like through some narcotic haze today. Going to bed last night, I thought to myself – this was a hard day, let me see if I can ensure a good night sleep – to Caroline I said, “three drops of melatonin instead of two please.”
I’m pretty sure the recommended dosage is well more than two drops, but three drops remains 150% of my usual. “One drop” I thought, “how bad could it be?”
My eyes felt plastered to my face, mouth dry, lips opened, unmoving as if unconscious. It probably took me 30 minutes of just lying there to muster the energy to rise for my morning meditation. The good news however it seems is twofold, both that I slept soundly through the night, and also that that initial overwhelming density could be cut through reasonably well leaving me fresh and ready to go.
Cassandra, in the midst of moving residences while simultaneously covering a few shifts for Courtney, stayed over in the guestroom last night and poked her head in this morning on her way out the door. She has grown remarkably in the years (four now?) since we first met, and her sparkling eyes and bright smile convey a depth today, a certain fullness of heart and a kind of commitment to integrity that pervades the flesh.
Cassandra disappeared down the hall and a few moments later Caitlin appeared, the morning glass of warm water with lime in hand. We chatted for a moment before beginning. Reclining the bed to start getting up, I hit play on the podcast I expected to find exploring the intersection of technology and the commons, thinking it might be just the thing to nourish my current work, and imagining it might have some marginal interest for Caitlin who would necessarily be listening along.
Fortunately for all of us, Caitlin has a lovely practice of just going into herself and working as if a meditation. The 45 minute section that we shared was devoted almost entirely and exclusively to some very technical descriptions of software architecture and the decisions made in that field. About 30 minutes in, I pause the audio and asked if she was finding it even remotely interesting. She cackled aloud in response, throwing her head back in a full smile in the process.
Yesterday was an acute experience of falling off my practice of a focused creative surrender. After the morning’s physical trauma and finally rising after noon I found the day just seemed to piece itself together with one odd bit discontinuous from the next. A collection of little “useful” moments that advanced 25 things, but only slightly.
In the moment right now I’m noticing the privilege the view that I’m describing places on Action and Productivity and Moving Forward. That is a distinct aspect of my experience right now, there is some urgency in the air, not only in our collective space as in “respond to pandemic” or “stop killing black men because they are black” but in my own particular case as well.
“The bad news is you’re falling and there’s no rope, no ledge, nothing to catch on to. The good news is there’s no ground.” Said our late Buddhist friend.
In the one hand, eternal bliss, in the other, the fate of my life. Both are true, (whose hands?) Both are empty.
So today I hope, having made it through the morning and nearing the midday to return to something less fragmented, to catch rudder into something more cohesive and continuous. Funny I’m noticing even asking the question describes the energy that is actually present.
The intention at least, is to love.
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…