Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Discomfort…

Kabir Kadre|16 days ago

3:45 PM and I can see that while the discipline of writing every day persists, approaching the task with a heartbeat regularity as to the time of drafting sorely absent in the current context of things.

Even now, I come to this task in the noise of the afternoon, 80s rock ’n’ roll thumping through the air, afternoon wind blowing outside, and the persistent low-grade autonomic dysreflexia bodily discomfort a cacophony within.

I’ve been feeling this discomfort persistently for the last week and probably more. The skin breakdown issues have subsided quickly in the face of renewed conscientious efforts and care so they are low on the culprit list. Higher on the list is digestive distress which leaves me thinking that tomorrow morning I will likely postpone breakfast indefinitely to see if the issue arises in the absence of food.

Rising was slow again today. The kava supplement I had been taking has been discontinued and I’m using a new liquid version. I suspect I am challenged to get the dosage just so just yet so my sleep has been a bit more hit and miss, often when hitting, overshooting the mark.

Not so bad as yesterday but this morning I was awake for 20 minutes before I found the gumption to move. Sitting up, orienting my energy and attention, greeting Patience and situating ourselves with the plan for the day of the rest of the hour. Body care took the next hour and 45 minutes more for wound care and rehabilitation (again, going very well.)

Overall it was about four hours between Patience’s arrival and rolling out the door and down the hall to the vocal sounds of Jill Scott and into the day.

Thinking back to yesterday, the evening hours, I recall some sense of the low-grade discomfort, but not enormously and considering my sense of productivity for the time, I think it was certainly not as distracting as it has been today.

Yesterday felt fairly methodical… Rising, start journaling, breakfast, finish journaling, clerical business, and turning to the project of the MettaCare manual v.01 outline (still running on the good energy of the previous day’s meeting and document infusion from brother David).

After an intensive few hours on the outline I shifted gears to correspondence. First a business building conversation with my friend Eliana who has been holding herself very close to my fundraising and support efforts, she had had some inspiration she wanted to offer in regards to building the consulting aspect of my wider value propositions.

Our conversation ranged through fields of personal reflection and into the more practical aspects of business development and formal offerings. In the end Eliana decided to drop in as a client, foremost I think as support to me, but also more to get a first-hand experience of how she might refer others in my direction.

Just as we were wrapping up, another friend called on more personal matters and I could feel the afternoon beginning wind down. Faith and her daughter had arrived and we had a movie to finish from the evening before.

I shared in my narrative yesterday the sense of uneasiness I had introducing this film for nearly 1/4 century ago with someone just 13 years old. What had changed, I wondered that might prove in some way unsettling to either of us?

In my work on the MettaCare project yesterday I had been reading some work from David where he mentioned the world wars of the last century as a galvanizing point for humanity to turn its attention towards peace. Watching the Fifth Element, I could see the continued maturation of that worldview that had continued its embrace of all of humanity, while not yet discovering some of our more recent awareness of power dynamics and appropriation.

While the hero was a man softening to love, a necessary embrace to save not just humankind, but the planet itself, and in fact the whole of the universe, still there were some things that from today’s vantage point felt clearly archaic.

The fairytale kissing of the sleeping woman without her permission was just beginning to be addressed in that film, today considered an obvious and gross transgression. Later the hero jumps too easily to violence against an innocent who had simply offended his sensibilities of cool and uncool, and the glorification (objectification) of the sexy female body flowed through unabashedly.

I felt like I could further begin to appreciate our collective trajectory through the reflective medium of art… A world united in the early 20th century, maturing in its sense of human rights by the end of that century, and today beginning to really grapple with the preeminent importance of respecting and stewarding ALL of life’s processes throughout our global ecosphere.

I shared this with my guests, always hoping to keep the conversation just a little bit of a stretch when engaging with adolescents these days. Both mother and daughter seemed to appreciate the perspective, and more importantly perhaps, agreed that they were in fact happy with their enjoyment of the film. 🙂

The remainder of the evening was spent refocusing energies in the attempt to find new care partners, renewing advertisements and stress testing the efficacy of the platforms – our primary portal seems to remain somewhat unreliable in terms of message transmission and ease of use.

Barely into the day this morning, and just after a delicious oatmeal breakfast, my body started to feel that internal stress and discomfort. In the late morning air in the garden with Patience I reflected, “I’m having trouble telling if this discomfort is physical or emotional.”

“How could you start to tease them apart?” She asked. Considering further all of the various influences of the moment, from the macro to the local, it became clear that in very meaningful terms the two were not so materially distinct.

Stress and gastronomical distress, to name two generalities, really are two sides of a coin.

Really the question I was asking in a practical matter was how to attend to the various priorities of the day given the finicky condition of my nervous system. Moments later, thematically, my inquiry was further advised…

The phone rang, on the end my distressed friend reporting a sleepless night after she and her dog on their evening walk had been attacked by a stressed-out canine from down the block who had somehow managed to break the bounds of its front door or fence, I couldn’t tell.

It didn’t sound like the damage was serious, in a physical sense, though my friend had fallen and both she and the dog had suffered some bruises and swelling to say the least. On the other hand, both were rather traumatized by the violence and force of the attack by the 70 pound assailant.

As we talked I couldn’t help but notice the reflective quality in my own map of local space time perspective, moments before my own complaints of mental and physical distress, now echoing back to me in the very expression of others to whom I am close.

Coincidence, yes, as long as we presume what my old friend and Navajo medicine man would often refer to as the “subject/object split” so characteristic of modern culture. Perhaps something else if we step into the perspective of awareness identifiably containing “reality” that is often thought of as the reverse, contrary to any materially supporting evidence.

And so it is, nearly 5 PM today. I managed my weekly review and have an organized calendar, projects, to do list, and staged correspondence for the week ahead. Work I had hoped to do will have to wait, but the work of disciplined writing each and every day is now complete once again.


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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…