Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Depression of the body.

|5 months, 23 days ago

It’s been two weeks since a workout and just one since a little movement therapy. Thanks to the loving hands and careful attention of the friends that hold and move my body on a daily basis, the joints of my legs and hips move and shift a little while each day. Still, there is a lot of stillness.

As I woke this morning, I met a familiar friend. There’s a particular scent of depression I know that emanates from too much lethargy in the body. In the early light, before stirring to rise, this friend came wafting into my awareness. “Oh yes, you.” I’ll take note, but won’t dwell in entertaining.

Inner awareness, action in the world, relationships to these friends, and the expression of life that pours out as these waves and flows dance through the rocks and trees on down the hillside of passing time, these are the dimensions of our lives. It’s easy, even common that we might find ourselves reducing this complex dynamic, to one or the other.

The feeling of depression arising in awareness can be mistaken for the self and countless terrible stories follow from there. Recognized instead as a friendly messenger, sweetly reminding us of the fruits of action and dynamic, this feeling stands rather on our side, a teacher and companion on the path.

Armed with the strength of numbers, our actions can become more refined, our inner awareness, more disciplined, our combined expression, more beautiful, more creative, more powerful.

Knowing that the friend meant well, I rested a little longer. The night had been relatively undisturbed, but the stiffness in my body, the imposition in my physicality of the evening rain, the cold of the air, all invited me to cherish these moments of rest fullness. A little later, with vigor of spirit and good cheer, I rose for the morning’s meditation.

Eleña came through the door, a little later than usual due to traffic’s response to the wet roads and morning rain, but perfectly timed with the end of my morning practice. She came through the door with music on her mind. Further invigorating her current state of creative vitality, she has learned that two of the favorite bands of her youth that have persisted with her, will be playing live and near enough for her attendance.

The morning rising was spent playing with the theme of music. Various hits of the 80s rang out, much to her chagrin as her soul was focused intently on one band and her favorite lead singer from the early 2000’s. Eventually it came out that I was probably just teasing her with other sounds, but in my defense she never did give me a song titled to run with. 🙂

Once up, it was off to the races… Morning email and quick breakfast, filing and scanning and organizing phone numbers and tasks, quickly gave way to the focused rhythm of clerical accomplishments. I still have much to navigate and to learn with regards to my coming care considerations and found myself just lumbering through the maze of special needs trusts, Medi-Cal, and the related forms and bureaucracy. Nothing feels quite stalled, but nothing either feels like it’s going on its own much.

The breath in that was a couple of conversations I had with Charles and David along the way this morning. Charles generously helping me navigate the legal questions of the special needs attorney intake forms offered that precious view once removed from the clerical drudgery, pointing out that I probably didn’t have to answer about half of the question. David rang in and I joined the calls just to appreciate the inevitable banter of these two wise and intelligent souls.

Charles will come down on occasion from his comfortable stomping grounds in the Valley, and when David is here as well, it’s always a delight to watch them trade perspectives on the salient points of the social and personal moment at hand. Two very careful attentions with skillful reflection, for the outside observer it’s a bit like tuning forks and one just gets to appreciate the resonant insights pouring out.

In any case, I joined, they played, and Charles departed, leaving David and I to explore my recent nudging along of the MettaCare prototypical opportunities. The consistent reader will remember a few pages back when Mike and Tyler encouraged me in this direction, and yesterday I invited our friend Dennis to come into the sandbox and play.

Dennis is a force. Tall and upright like the giant Sequoia. Gentle like a summer breeze and green grass. Curious like creeping ivy. Bright like morning sunshine, and wise like time. Dennis loves me as well, which is a privilege. I can’t go near him without feeling the little drops from his watering can as he beckons me further into the light and towards the sky.

So a surprise this morning when I found him in a couple of my communications channels responding to our conversation yesterday with a little tickle that, and a little push more there. I think the confluence of he and David will be another magical mixture if we can get it together along this little phase of the dance.

Finishing about 40 minutes together on the phone, David and I returned to our respective contexts, me the desk with gray San Diego outside, and he the cold of the Virginia winter. Much to make meaning of together, more promise for the dance.

The afternoon for me was filled with movements of crypto assets to pay bills (even getting to pay one bill with crypto directly!) And a business meeting with Cassandra to explore putting my car into service as a revenue machine. I like better and better these initiatives like Turo and full self driving as they promised to take these massive infrastructure investments we call cars, and turn them from lethargic space hogs into a more vital and living part of our collective engagement.

I really love business meetings. The idea that we can clearly identify a series of steps towards a creative vision, can capture them discreetly and identify the process of their resolution is almost too good to be true. I feel like the creative force itself in the ethers beyond scheming it’s manifestation as life in the world. I love the execution all the more. 🙂

I finished the day in correspondence and researching the various leads provided by Dave and Amanda and Daniel towards giving this blog a little more life. More intake than expression, but I’ll trust the digestion in the meantime and look forward to what comes next.

All in all, as the end of the day finds me turning towards dinner, the exercise of these words reminds me that there are many kinds of movement, and the friend, depression, can be satisfied in more than one way. It is with good cheer and a reasonably light heart (I say reasonable, because I do indeed feel the weight of the moment and it is not insubstantial) that I close the books of my desk for the day and turn to a little change of scenery – the dining room, and then bed.


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