Deep breaths… Deep breaths… While time, doing, and results all seem to have something to do with one another, they often also seem to move in their own ways.
Now for instance is like that. After spending the bulk of the day on one work project (the current consulting contract for those of you keeping track) and anticipating that effort continuing into tomorrow, I’m feeling a kind of void sensation as if treading water.
Will I find my way to convert this home to a board and care? That possibility certainly smells of richness as it is quite a practical stress test for the efforts we’ve developed over the last years under the MettaCare conception. The initiative however is no small consideration and while it does sound as though wise counsel is coming, that has yet to firmly manifest. Such counsel is definitely a necessary first step into those waters, particularly given the window of time (less than two months) available to bring such initiative into being.
Alternately, will I find my way adequately to a nursing home situation? One of those offers of support I mentioned yesterday turned out to be a woman who specializes in home healthcare advice and consulting. I spoke with her for about a half-hour today in a complementary call to determine whether my situation warrants spending the $300 fee for formal consultation. I do now have a sense of when it might be worth the expense to bring her in to the conversation, however that is not yet. She was able to point out to me some of the acute pressures on the nursing home situation in San Diego given that our occupancy for those facilities is second only to Miami Florida.
Regardless of path, it is clear that if prayers are to be had, they should be prayers for grace.
I started the day today with a new schedule of care and introducing our new care partner to the morning routine which she will be picking up on Sunday morning. Caitlin was in, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fresh from her new digs, some of the pressure obviously relieved from her and did a wonderful job I knew she would introducing our new friend to the process.
Just about the time I was out of bed and getting situated in my chair, readying for toothbrushing, face washing, hair diding, and final dressing, the front door sounded and a few moments later the sweet breath of my dear old friend Ahlea was on my shoulder. Here to spend the morning together, to help begin the considerations of asset and furniture disposition should vacating the premises come to pass, and as much of anything, just to share in the space of friendship for the purposes of soul nourishment.
Together we accounted for the Murphy bed in the front room which will need to vacate regardless of current outcomes, and initiated steps to begin selling the car. Concrete actions reverberating towards the center of my being… First the people in my periphery have been adjusting, now assets and structures physical to the space, and I begin to recognize the waves of force initiated long ago, but oriented like destiny on the bones of my body.
To me this just draws forward into clear relief the profound importance of a wakeful meditation practice that can persist in unraveling those psychic, physical, karmic tensions that inhibit the open-heart so necessary to meet trials like this in health and well-being, at least on the level of the spirit. While the idea may be foreign to some, it’s my direct experience, even inside this paralyzed body numbed to the ordinary sensations of the nervous system, the level of impact that fear, anxiety, worry, resentment… All negative emotions really, wield over the construct of identity through which I live these astounding moments of life.
Deep breaths… Deep breaths…
I’m so grateful that I can feel love in these moments. Love even for the glimmers of faces that move in and out of my peripheral vision via text message, or even just a thought. Love and gratitude for the connections I have enjoyed to other beautiful souls on the path that has led me to this moment.
Tomorrow is anticipated to be a long day. A day of deadline, and catching any threads that might be caught around the edges. Poetry and love letters await in my inbox and on my voice message, even these have been put on hold as I attempt to walk this fierce fine line between terror and oblivion. Love lives in gratitude, when not lost in fear. I slept mostly well last night, and the anxiety was minimal.
The thresholds between days feel like panes of ice, clear but frosted, cool to the touch, but shatter as I move through them.
Deep breaths… Deep breaths… I can almost see them hanging in the air…
God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…