Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre
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Kabir Kadre|5 months, 22 days ago

Sleep last night was strange. Woke up feeling disoriented at 11 PM, hot and confused. Not sure how much I slept overall, dreams were a swirl of documentary stories and unrelated imagery. I heard a car door just a few minutes after 6 AM, and a few moments later, Nova coming through the front door.

The plan was for an early morning, I didn’t expect surreal.

Nova made her way down the hall, peering gently into the room, “good morning, shall I turn on the lights?”

“No” I stammered, “not yet.” I said, not quite clearly understanding the question or the words coming out of my own mouth. We were quite the pair. She in the mind state of the long day and working overnight, now into overtime – ordinarily the bedroom door she’d be passing through at this hour would be her own, and sleep would be next; instead, my door, and me getting up… Me in the mind state of surreal slumber, waking up between worlds and moving to rise.

Dawn wouldn’t be for a few more minutes, and the meager light coming through from the West perfectly lit the odd scene. I invited Nova to find a cup of tea and began more diligently to stir myself to an upright position.

Nova loves to feel the body – her work as a postpartum doula allows her to express this deeply as a skill. In contrast, she is almost allergic to “science,” laughing and poking fun when I ever dare to describe anything in any overtly “data” detail, as if I were speaking a foreign and unknown language.

So with our liminal brains this morning I took her through a crash course on the 16 stages of consciousness development as a doorway into greater compassion, particularly around our shared experience with the “spiritual school” we had both been a part of in the late 90s and early 2000’s.

This while she worked my body from its evening stiffness into the motion of the day, each of us in our element.

We rose just in time to get her out the door a few minutes early for her anticipated 8:15 AM departure. I took a glass of water and turned to the work of the day, awaiting my next care support just a little after 10 AM when my friend Mary would be by to help out for a few hours.

First-order business, the “weekly” review, now a month overdue today would take nearly 3 hours, doubling or tripling the customary commitment. It was quite liberating to discover how much has been stripped away in terms of a multiplicity of focus, replaced in the current climate by a very distinct and somewhat linear approach…

Email backlogs to be cleared, projects lagging, and general mayhem to be tamed.

Oh yes, and just before Nova took off, a young Mr. Nick arrived to detail the car in preparation for delivery to its new owner. The garage is a little cramped, the driveway a little steep, and the hill as well, so he took it up to the end of the block to the flat dead-end just south of the corner, where he would stay for the next three hours.

Mary arrived just a little after 10 to find me focused but a little disoriented due to some dysreflexia. She is used to caring for me in this capacity so it was a bit dropping into the deep end as she came through the door to a quick set of tests to determine what might be hurting. Turned out, probably a couple of toes mixed up in my shoe.

Of course due to the nature of dysreflexia we are never quite sure the source of the discomfort, but it did seem to subside after about 10 minutes of meddling about.

After the initial dance, I left her to find some tea and check out a book on the table while I finished up the review. A bit later I asked her to put together some breakfast for me, remembering that I was among other things, hungry as my senses came back online. She went to work in the kitchen and I polished the last details of order.

As I was wrapping up, I noticed how much time has elapsed and sent texts to Nick to see if he was near done. He was and I made my way into the garage to receive him.

While there I discovered that the cool air was broken nicely by the late morning sun and decided to take omelette on the patio.

Mary and I sat eating and catching up. She lives in New Jersey and is just out visiting her daughter for a few months, we hadn’t managed to catch up in person just yet since her arrival. The wispy clouds in the sky, blowing some up and some down, or some North and others East created a bit of a plaid against the blue.

I think this was a bit the most relaxation time in nature I’ve had since entering the hospital nearly one month ago. It struck something of a release of my nervous system.

Just as we were finishing breakfast, Ahlea and Eliott and Thomas pulled up in the old van to help start moving out some of the things from the house. It’s funny here in pandemic times, even the most common acquaintances, now feel like old friends you haven’t seen in ages.

We spent the next two hours reviewing and assessing the various furniture items, advancing intelligence about what was going to make the move, and what was going to move on in the process. Thomas muscled up, hauling tables and chairs, lamps and pictures into the van while Mary and Eliott entertained themselves and Ahlea and I discussed and determined logistics for things.

It feels to have this kind of physical energy starting to move around the transformations taking place.

Sometime after 1 PM they all departed and the house went back to quiet. I would see Vanessa and Yosi at three, or so I thought.

Vanessa’s text came through first, she would be kept and arriving 30 minutes behind schedule. Not long after, text from Yosi declaring some apparent emergency with her mother and would it be all right if she came instead tomorrow.

I busied myself with researching assistance programs for home and rental modifications for disabled accessibility, as the next place may require some of these.

My personal correspondences inbox was running a little deep, nearly 100 messages I think, well more than the 20 or so I like to keep it to, so I spent some time culling some of the simpler replies from there as the sweep of my attention is still too distracted to really sink into the deeper space of thoughtful written engagements. There is still that nagging sense that “something” must be done “right now.”

Easier to attend to things requiring less bandwidth. My crypto inbox was also overflowing, this would be a much easier task and more suited to the day’s waning energy. Just chopping through to keep track of developments in the cryptographically secured distributed landscape of digital assets. Nothing that required any deep reading, only a cursory understanding to keep pace.

Vanessa arrived and settled in, turning around just moments later to make the weekly grocery run to Peoples, fortunately or unfortunately they are not on the delivery routes, and curbside pickup is only available a few days a week. In any case, it turns out to been fortunate since Vanessa hadn’t yet had the pleasure of meeting the place.

A sweet “forest update” came through from Dave, new pictures of the baby deer from spring now growing up with little lumps on his head. One of those refreshing emails now awaiting a more thoughtful reply.

Yosi’s absence leaves the care front feeling just a tad more unstable, and last night’s rest while seemingly long (-ish) hasn’t left me quite feeling on top of my game. I’ll wind down casually now, looking perhaps for early sleep tonight.

PS. Buy bitcoin.


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