Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Bleary eyes but happy

Kabir Kadre|1 year, 9 months ago

Muscles clenched and feeling cool despite the 90° heat pushing into the evening hours outdoors in the smoky air.

The cost of the beautiful view from the office is that this room is hottest in the summer and coldest in the winter. This is a dynamic more easily managed in the cooler months.

When the outdoors scorch enough to close up the house and run the air, this room and more specifically, my desk gets the brunt of an Arctic breeze coming down from the register.

This could have something to do with the levels of spasticity – a good occasion to practice more mindfulness to notice the difference.

I just finished a 90 minute dip into the emerging field of Decentralized Finance (DeFi), worth a look for anyone even mildly intrigued with the subject of finance… Things are changing everywhere we look, why should money and economics be any difference?

The excursion seemed a reasonable wind down after a day of focused financial intensity – taxes, accounting, managing shortfalls and finding hidden medical costs to be paid, as well as a bit of strategy to be won.

It’s been a challenging past couple of weeks, feeling the tightening sense of economic strain contrasting what I can see and what feels required. By rights I might’ve been dead in the financial waters many months ago, except for the graces of our true multi-currency bio accounting, so often invisible in the face of “almighty dollar” blindness.

I don’t set myself apart from that – indeed, it is that blindness that leads to the sense of tightening and “fear” that has dogged me of late. In a way I’m actually rather grateful to have found myself up against these thresholds as it has compounded the intensity of my focus to pierce that ignorance and to discover the more meaningful and true ways that I might be of service in this relative world of ours.

Today’s adventure, covering nearly every aspect of my fiscal mandala, helped to bring things a little better into focus. No doubt there is much to be done, and soon, but there is also not so sharp an axe hovering just above my neck as might have seemed those few short hours ago.

In the process I even have the great privilege of lending that scraped up, bloodied, and grinning experience to those around me, in hopes of strengthening their path and lessening any possible bruising along the way. I guess in my wildest dreams, this holds true for the wider world as well.

It was a day like lonely, not forlorn, or feeling set apart – only just me and my computer and the inter-webs – to be overly dramatic, like a solitude cowboy tending the outer ranges, enjoying the silence, the breeze, and the beautiful views.

Stephanie’s smiling face provided company, as would the soaring hawk to our cowboy illustration, dropping him with lunch, water, coffee, and the occasional liberation of the leg bag contents. In the background I could hear Patience bringing the details of her move ever closer to a close.

I stirred from a somewhat restless and involved dream, I had the feeling in it that it wasn’t quite “good enough” – entertaining as it was, I could tell the cast of characters was being drawn from the evening’s YouTube viewing and not someplace in the corners of my mind more concerned with pictures of enlightenment and care for all.

I woke near 5 AM and rested gently rising just a little after six to contemplate and await my meditation companions. Patience arrived first, then LB and Stephanie behind him. The morning was quiet, clear of chitchat beyond just a few smiles and “good morning” and we moved right into the practice.

Later, Stephanie would discover one of the healing spots on my backside had taken a turn for the worse, opening slightly and demanding more care be taken on my side. I passed the time listening to the audio rendition of a book written by my first Tibetan meditation teacher.

The section described stories of a more “awakened” dreaming as well as, serendipitously, the actual meditation practice that we’ve been doing together in the mornings.

I rested a few extra minutes this morning after dressing, wondering if my hesitation had more to do with being tired, the herbs that helped me sleep, or the anxiety to get up and meet the financial realities of the day. I rested for five minutes, I don’t think it was being tired.

Now to wind down, tomorrow the car goes for repair, Ms. Patience and I will undertake that adventure first thing in the morning. We will try to beat the heat, though what is an adventure without a little weather after all?

I was grateful today to connect with some nascent and distant friends lightly in the moments in between. Tomorrow is a day rich with birthdays significant in my life, my father, one of my greatest teachers, my oldest friend, and a movie star I once knew for a short while. The latter of course is just fluff, but he generally was a lovely fellow whom I was glad to have met.

And so, the evening… Light fading…

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