Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Between worlds?

Kabir Kadre|1 year, 8 months ago

At least I slept better last night… My eyes, however, are as bleary as they have been at 6:30 PM, as any day in recent memory.

The front fence project, lingering now for months finally surged forward today, extricating us from a little more of the garage clutter, and inching us towards a little more beauty on the front face of the house.

A visit to Carmax reassured us we are on the right path, private selling the chariot.

I took a long linger last evening, and longer still this morning on my side in hopes of a fast recovery from skin breakdown that crossed the threshold from bruise to early-stage ulcer yesterday. So far so good, we do have mad skills with treatment so it’s coming along nicely.

It’s been a full day of signing up to platforms to pursue contract work, working with a partner to polish my resume and professional postings, liquidating some investment, and corresponding with some of those on the front lines of helping me to navigate my particular path through this wild world we are sharing together.

It’s a strange mix being in my skin these days. My spirits are good, gratitude is at hand, but my stomach is a little unsettled given the tenuous nature of my footing.

Dave wrote recently to encourage my efforts on MettaCare, as I’m emotionally exhausted today, I’ll leave my reply to him as the text of today’s entry. Having seen it already, Tyler mentioned the heartbreak. I will open with my reply to her on that point:

“The heartbreak is what makes it hardest to share the story with others right now.

That also makes it feel important to share in real-time. I sincerely believe we all must learn to more deeply feel the world as it is if we are to survive this [global] transition without too much loss.”

To Dave I wrote…

“Boundless gratitude and deeply desiring to serve your reflection of me. 🙂

As we speak, I am liquidating about half of my liquid investment positions to cover care and bills for the month. The car, which probably should’ve been gone long ago is up for sale and going in for a visit to Carmax this afternoon. With luck there is a month or two of liquidity there.

Behind that is the house – honestly I might pursue that sooner but the ambiguity of where I would live breathes hot down that neck.

Patience gave notice this morning of two weeks until her move to Virginia, with LB out of the picture that leaves me 2 1/2 care positions to fill, without any clear way of paying them going forward. The vacancies in that schedule arrive on Thursday this week.

Just a lot to say that, right now I’ve given everything I know how to give to MettaCare, it is not far from mind, nor the echoes of your compelling call in answer to “what does the world want from me?”

I am again staring into the darkness, perfect uncertainty smiling back, its loving heart beating the sounds of eternity.

I am working to find any kind of gig employment right now, and in the meantime, keeping my own beating heart alive by calling out for what I most want to see in the world. [This will be linked at a later date, feel free to request document in the meantime. :-)]

I know I will be met, by a joyful vitality, a certain oblivion, or something in between most likely, but am just about in the perfect place of knowing nothing.

YES, my situation is no pardon from action, at the same time, I cannot see any concrete actions except those within 5 feet of my nose right now. Any views through other’s Kaleidoscope, eyeballs, or telescopes is more than welcome. If you can see blinders I am wearing that I cannot, by all means call that out!

I may be an expression of lacking responsibility, I stretch and yearn to pierce that ignorance.

Today I intend to ask my meditation teacher if he can see any karmic obscuration which might be cut. Other than that it is only breadcrumbs I have to follow right now. I keep praying for help, within myself, and beyond, my only hope is that I’m paying enough attention to collect some good for the soul, or others, in this stretch of my journey.

You have suggested the possibility that I am on a developmental threshold. Perhaps it is best we hope that that is not the case, as any movement now would take me from action and the capacity to reflect, into a much wider open space without direction.

Terri might have comments on this, but my strategist, nascent achiever, good diplomat, and fragile ego might have something to offer, should the moment arise.

I hear you loud and clear – offering something from the place of spinal paralysis has long been a resistance of mine. Now perhaps too late, I can see the wisdom in sourcing from the immediacy of that experience.

Thank you for your cheerleading and encouragement, my testicles were sweaty this morning, for the second time in a week. Something we haven’t seen before as the body’s ability to sweat has been gone for most of the last two decades. Coupled with apparent minor return of bowel function in recent weeks, there sure are some crazy lights in this little circus of mine. 🙂

Yours always in delight 🙂


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