Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Betting is closed.

Kabir Kadre|1 year, 7 months ago

Sleep was heavy and fitful last night. I woke, stark, in the middle of the night. The Housing Discrimination I find myself suddenly facing have been more upsetting than I might’ve expected.

Wide-awake, I turned my attention for some calming to my audiobook on the Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep. Chapter 14 started a little bit on the nose…

“The average person, not knowing the principles of meditation, carries the stress, emotions, thoughts, and confusions of the day into the night.… Sleep comes in the midst of distraction and negatives are held in the mind throughout the night. When dream arises from those negatives, there is no stability in presence and the individuals carried away by the images and confusions of the dream world.”

That about summed up the dreams from which I had just awoken, and the state of my mind.

Note to self: must find a way to better integrate meditation into the winding down process for the day.

Taking the advice, I spent a little time in meditation, calming the mind, and turned back to resting.

Sleep then was heavy and dark. I woke, almost suddenly at 7:30, curious for the silence of the house. Our new care partner was to have begun with us 30 minutes prior. Were she and Stephanie quietly getting to know one another in some other corner of the house?

“Hi sleep number, wash tea leaves.” I said, instructing the bed to bring me upright. The folks at the factory had programmed, “watch TV” which I refuse to say when I can help it. Tea leaves are the best I could come up with for rhyme seems to work.

I turned to my phone and found a text from Stephanie – challenging morning, running behind but on her way. I texted the other young woman, “have you come and gone?”

“I can come back.” Came the reply.

“Yes please.” I said, assuming the matter closed.

Stephanie arrived a little later, working her way through a particularly challenging moon cycle. Waiting for the new lady gave us a chance to sip tea and do a little research around how to nourish her process.

We waited. And waited. And waited.

I got curious and decided to check the security camera records, just to find out when she had been here, now that it was over an hour since she said she was on her way. She hadn’t. She hadn’t been here.

It was after 9 AM, after 9:30 AM really. Daylight was burning, another strange betrayal arising in the field of my awareness.

Stephanie and I got busy. She was delighted and surprised to find my backside so well healed. I had a strange bruise on my rib to make up for it. A little essential oil to treat the wound and we were on our way up.

It must’ve been later than I thought, it wasn’t until 11 AM that I made my way up and out of the room. Somewhere in the midst of the action, my friend Andrew reached out to explore picking up the exercise equipment that has been living in the garage for the past few years. Prior to the pandemic and my own upheavals he would visit weekly and we would pull out the Total Gym and put me through workout for a couple of hours.

The conversation bore unexpected fruit and he scheduled to be by around 12:30 PM today, I thought for a workout.

I got up, did some basic accounting, began to organize to further search for apartments. The dearth in care coverage was really hitting like a pickle. I have exhausted the pools from which to inquire care, and quite reasonably have real uncertainty as to where to go from here. With nothing to do on that, care would have to wait.

To the matter at hand. No email back from the property manager regarding my note that I was happy to accept the apartment as is. I sent that yesterday afternoon, as requested. I sent a follow-up, just as simple, this morning. Silence.

I made another round of calls to the legal advocates in the area, mostly leaving messages for calls back.

I decided, better not to just leave things to chance, better to send a kindly worded letter to the property manager to clarify my position in the state of affairs.

“I’m not receiving your silence as a positive indicator right now.

It seems clear to me that either by malice or ignorance, your client has implicated themselves, and potentially your company as well in a matter of Housing Discrimination. (https://www.lassd.org/area/housing-discrimination)

I’m not interested in a fight and presume that our current situation is the result of confused communications.

I can provide any number of highly qualified references to confirm my integrity and goodwill in matters such as this.

I am seeking counsel however to ensure that I perceive well and clearly within my rights.

I do hope to hear good news from you shortly.

Kindest regards,


That felt good. There is definitely injustice afoot, better, I think, to address it, then just to let it lie.

That cleared my heart a bit. Just in time, Andrew coming through the door.

I met Andrew when he was working for Awakenings Health Institute, and was my trainer there in matters of exercise therapy for spinal cord injury recovery purposes. The place is long since closed.

I found him again later making house calls to the same effect, and we have been enjoying one another’s company in that context for some time now… Except since the beginning of this year. I had drama, he had a baby.

It was good to see him, fatherhood and time have aged him well. The pandemic and other worldly confusions are proving as disturbing to his psyche as to so many others.

We carried on, catching up for nearly an hour. I was greatly looking forward to a little weight-bearing exercise today, so broached the subject. We had misunderstood one another, he was on a lacsidasical call just catching up, expecting to carry away equipment. We righted ourselves to both of our satisfaction – he would not have to haul 150 pounds of metal, and we could enjoy each other’s company again this time next week, but for a real session!

My body is jumping backflips at the prospect. May it be so.

We carried on for another hour, having covered family and friends and the maddening absurdity with which he is so familiar through many of his clients, of being disabled and caught in the no man’s land between poverty and the enormous expense of care, we turn to politics, frustration, and hopes for the world.

Again, fatherhood is shown in the more nuanced way he approaches these subjects today. Still with the beautiful strong opinions he has always held, but somehow now a little more mature.

He departed and I turned my attention back to the research on Housing Discrimination. The afternoon was better fortune and I connected with two different organizations, intaking with both to get some more experienced and official guidance on the matter.

The afternoon ended with a massive email dump of all correspondence on the matter for an attorney with a local nonprofit dealing in these issues. Another sense of weight lifted, the light, at least, of justice now peering into these shadowy places.

Vanessa is here and she and I set off on a tour of the house, bringing repair and replenishment, first to my over complicated bed scenario – new protections put in place after our fluid experience the day before. Down the hall to repair the far infrared heating mat, and finally to the last room to repair the desk.

Nova, it turns out, will be moving in that room for the time being, and helping me with some hours of care to keep me out of the cracks left in our current structures as they are. That feels nourishing as well.

One more sign of the sweetness of life, an email through in the afternoon. A STAGES Assessment spontaneously landing in the inbox, an opportunity to do some professional work, serving in the field I love, and for a little pay no less!

Vertigo would not be a bad description, but perhaps, something more like centered in vertigo should suffice. I’ve almost all but given up. It seems as certain as it ever has that any choice I might have in the matter lies entirely within the attitude of my own orientation and quite to some large degree not at all in the ways the world will have with me.

The time horizon for peace lurks ever closer. I can do something with now it seems. Reach farther than an arm’s-length through time, and all bets are off.

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