Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

Another day in the Crows Nest…

Kabir kadre|2 years, 1 month ago

Sleep felt like a war last night. As I started to lay down and close my eyes and realized I had left the ceiling fan off and could feel the stillness of the air. I might’ve known better but I opted to stay moving in the direction of sleep rather than get up to make the change.

Four hours later I was awake again to the acute stillness of the air, and with the distinct feeling of dread – “oh no, this does not feel like I’m falling back to sleep.” I sat up and turned on the ceiling fan. After a quick sip of water I lay back down and closed my eyes, relaxing and waiting.

45 minutes later I was still waiting, still relaxing, still awake. I opted for meditation.

My body was definitely not rested, acute stressful concerns of future solvency, work, and competence danced through my head. The meditation practice cut through some of this and I was able to focus instead on the immediate awareness of presence, wholeness, and the “emptiness” of arising and passing away.

The practice came to an end, I laid down again, and slept.

Fitful dreams of closeness and separation lay at the bottom of this well of heavy slumber. I stirred, maybe 90 minutes, maybe a few hours later, uncomfortable, dry, and thirsty. I drank and slept again. A washing back and forth I would repeat at least once more before morning. Falling asleep felt like diving on a mine, waking felt like a fish being drug from the water.

8 o’clock and I woke again having wrestled some sense of rest from the night. My mouth and throat were dry, I felt also drained.

I sent the emoji code for coconut water (????) and a few moments later was greeted by the smiling face of Courtney coming through the door. Somewhere between the coconut water, her smiling face, and an exquisitely marbled T-shirt she was wearing (like beautiful marbled paper) I could feel a sense of hope and peace returning to the world.

I try to keep good notes in my calendar in order to reflect easily on where and in what I’ve done, also just for clerical purposes in case I need to follow up on something. Yesterday has a three hour gap in the middle of the day. Not that nothing was done, only that it was broken into many bits, each with varying degrees of depth and importance, a block of tending, yet I felt extended.

Before that I tuned in to support and to witness the emergence and fruit of effort of my dear friend Elisa and her colleagues as they re-envisioned the possibilities for their community development work along the San Diego/Tijuana border region and beyond.

I was really amazed and delighted with the resourcefulness and creativity brought forth by the community of care. While they have always done good group work providing immersive experiences and support for communities to help themselves, their new approach promises to connect possibly even more people across these imagined divides, and increasingly one-on-one.

The last portion of the day was spent with the Visionary Sessions community for the last of their three-part opening salvo of what promises to be a rather stunning ongoing online offering. Again I have been thoroughly impressed by the work that my friend Kelly and her partners have brought forward with that effort.

Already in three short weeks I’ve made a number of new friends, each of them profoundly inspiring in their own way, while simultaneously finding a platform where the gifts I feel connecting with small groups, and even slightly larger groups, around meaningful topics at the intersection of spacious, almost spiritual, awareness, and the practical work of making a difference in peoples day-to-day lives in lived experience, seem to come into a fullness of blossom.

I was touched at the end of the session yesterday when Kelly invited me to stay a moment longer so that she and her partner could share a sense of appreciation for my contributions to the effort. I’m not sure I received these compliments very well and stumbled with my words, is the feeling for me was one of having been washed away in a tidal wave of their initiation. Something about the work, which honestly, I had almost passed over until Kelly re—invited me at the last minute before the first session, had overwhelmed and insisted on my engagement from the first drop.

Clumsy or not in my response, the interaction felt sweet and kind and moving and I was more than happy just witness the signs of the great success of the initiative reflected in the smiles on their faces.

Today is cool but bright and sunny, no clouds in sight while the wind dances with the chimes just behind me, and the ravens continue to be chased away from the nests of smaller birds in the valley below.


The hawk swoops across the valley and into the high blue sky. The bright yellow and pitch black of the oriole flits in the evergreen nearby, if you are so moved, please fly over to the crowdfunding page where you can learn more about what is I and we are trying to move forward here and perhaps offer you encouragement to the process.

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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…