Kabir Kadre
Kabir Kadre

About that math…

Kabir Kadre|2 years, 4 months ago

My night and morning seems to have reflected the general energy I felt today. I slept mostly soundly through the night, stirring only briefly, a couple of times. About 3:30 AM I sat up for about 45 minutes of meditation and then returned easily enough to sleep and resting. My alarm at 7:10 found my body heavily resistant to waking, in spite of a good 10 hour window, if slightly interrupted, of rest.

As I reflect on my thoughts here, I wonder if the story I am now narrating may have undertones of a physical depression. I’m cognizant of the power of projecting ideas, and want to step lightly around the subject of “depressing my body.” True it is though that my physical activity is much diminished of late and while my health remains well (knock knock knock), a diminished vitality may not be surprising in light of that fact.

So yes, long rest, energy to meditate, yet difficult to rise. I had the spirit of effort with me in the morning and was in motion within 19 minutes of the initial alarm.

This also well describes something of the experiential quality of my day. Up and to work before 9 AM, knocking out a general list of clerical debris before settling in to focus on the project I lovingly title “Transformation 2020.” Here I want to begin to wonder aloud…

My dear friend, co-conspirator, wise counsel, Dr., mentor, and student, Mike rang through on the text asking for basic bios and head shots of our current MettaCare team. He is taking the day off to focus on his wide web of connections and projects, and needed some fodder for the sculpting. While not central to my initial to do list, the request did land at the heart of my focus so I turned to scrambling that together, calling in content from those that had it, and scrapping together what I could otherwise on my own.

This task created a nice bridge into the work of Transformation 2020, which was to start with “doing the math” on my potential future housing options and care concerns. The punchline of that: about 2 1/2 months of finance in the absence of any success on my various developing streams of income; it’ll take a miracle to keep me in the house, and Plans B, C & D represent a fair amount of work to identify and secure residence in either a Board & Care, or a Nursing Home and will necessitate finding a variety of support to evacuate and sell the house.

At least I now have a few more nice spreadsheets, and some additional clarity on process and timing. Undertaking the tasks at hand, I did also find a density of emotion, kind of “at core” in my body that felt like a retardant to clear thinking (remember the difficulty waking from above?)

The next unexpected, but in the moment obvious “task” arose when Eleña arrived at 1 PM to help me get lunch and some various midday support for a couple of hours. As she came in the door, I naturally shifted gears into catching up a dear friend, and major stakeholder in the process. I do send a weekly email to my immediate care team summarizing basic financial and scheduling concerns relevant to the unfolding events. Nonetheless, there is an intimacy – Eleña and I once mused that having caregivers is a bit like being married to four or five people at once – in those relationships that make a more natural and personal sharing of developments after a time apart, quite appropriate to the process.

In practical terms, while I had planned to focus at my desk, the middle of the day shifted to a large part of dialogic processing and reflecting conversationally over lunch and coffee. Eleña is looking at emerging options for her future engagements, if not here, and also had relevant and important things to share about how this Transformation 2020 is living through her. Together we explored concerns relating to scheduling and availability, finance, friendship, and communication moving into March and through this period of dynamic ambiguity.

It being a federal holiday I had to move my list of phone calls to various advisory organizations and other clerical business pertaining to future housing options for tomorrow, probably just as well.

As the late afternoon came in and the caffeine from coffee with lunch started to buzz, I turned my attention back to the process of elucidating a clear path forward for the MettaCare initiative and its various project streams. A project, as I may have mentioned, entailing teasing the intelligence from a mountain of verbose and insightful emails, as well as a plethora of formal writing efforts. All of this teasing seeking to serve the creation of a refined invitation that both presents clearly the dysfunction in existing care processes, it’s causes, and demonstrates our path to address these concerns.

I waded in with an energy not dissimilar to that I brought to my meditation at 3:30 AM – a sense of openhearted, wakeful resolve. Two hours later however I was feeling again that “resistance to waking” and density of emotion, as if I was pushing off from a platform of quicksand, and up through heavy soil.

My day has also been broken up by a small handful of really lovely email correspondence from and to a variety of loving friends, an undertone of connection (perhaps most personified in my engagement with Eleña) that felt like that good rest from last night, a nourishment essential and deep, and maybe just enough to help keep my head on the good side of that fine line of a bodily depression.

About that math…

I still feel a bit like a roulette ball, spinning around the table, unsure where the chips will land. I’m working for now from a new favorite quote, from the original Avengers movie (2012):

“Until such time as the world ends, we will act as though it intends to spin on.”

~ Nick Fury

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God gets to know things, we just get to ask questions…